Help
Sign In
2 years
November 2009 
Turning this many! (waving 2 fingers)
Posted on Sep 9th, 2008
by 
Nicole
Nicole
Image: my first icon - Windows stock photo.
Don't you love the way that toddlers always share their age by showing you the number of fingers? LOL! We talked about it, my New Jersey friends and I, at our meetup...
Coming up on my Second "Gaiaversary", I have been thinking, thinking about how I want to celebrate. I've decided to do a wander through my past 2 years with you.
1) Part the First - In which I discover Zaadz, and some early joys:
I found Zaadz through an ad in the online version of "What is Enlightenment?" which I heard about through a Kumon colleague who is deeply into things Integral and spirally :) and whom I was getting to know better as a friend. On that fateful day of September 22, 2006, I got invited to join by my first friend Brondu and soon after decided to introduce myself with my first blog, a brief history of me.
At first my favourite pod was The Beloved's Teahouse, a garden of visual and poetic delights alas now gone from us along with its cultivator Herbie. Within that first week I was already blogging about Soul Mates and The 7 chakras, since I was really trying to work through relational issues in some excellent pods and in my heart, but these were just articles found on the net. It took me quite a while to discover my blogging style. I would mostly blog favourite poems by others (including, yes, Rilke!) or articles.
But even then I sometimes used one of my own poems or blogged something personal like my first Zaadz retrospective at still less than two weeks old!.
2) Part the Second - In which I live through trying times:
It was a very busy time for me, late 2006. I was juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes I would drop, totally overwhelmed. On top of all the usual busyness of chairing the church board, for example, I would at times have to preach a sermon. As the leader of the International Association, I had many meetings with corporate Kumon. On October 31, 2006 I started the Zed is us, eh? pod and began diligently to try to cultivate it. But I was doing much, much more: involved in nearly every aspect of church, going through the madness of fall at my learning centre, etc etc.
As the stress got more intense, so did the reactivity and the learning. I began to feel very lonely, especially as the anniversary of my friends' death drew near. Sometimes I felt great,
but at other times, I was really struggling with my anger. Just as painful in a different way was struggling with an attraction that was going nowhere. Relationships, past and present plagued me with questions I wasn't yet ready to answer. Once more I broke off "for good" with my partner, with all the stress that entails
At the end of November I learned of a death of a friend, Matthew. He was a gifted poet,
and going to the memorial service stretched me terribly emotionally. It all felt much too much. I tried to rally, tried to listen to a sister's wisdom, and put my all into the early December Messiah concerts which turned out to be very satisfying and kindly reviewed by a usually harsh critic.
It was an odd Christmas, somehow the movie Joyeux Noel/Merry Christmas felt very appropriate, after another death - my estranged partner's mom. Looking back, it was the lull before the storm.
3) Part the Third - In which things get much worse before they get better:
In January, 2007, I was asked by my beloved priest-mentor to resign my position on the church board because I was too stressed. I began to go through more inner conflicts,
because of all the many activities I was juggling, the church board was the one that was most important to me. I did everything I could to frame it positively. But by February I had to concede defeat. I could no longer attend church. It was too painful. I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing anything but get up at the last possible minute, play simple puzzle video games obsessively, go to work, eat and sleep. I saw no one except my family (and one dear friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, whom I saw maybe every couple of months). I took no phone calls except business. I was completely depressed and felt numb most of the time.
So of course I went back into the relationship, as I was barely functioning ,and relied on my partner to do so much. If he would get frustrated with my passivity and ask me to do some small thing, I would start to panic and cry and beg and he would relent. It was not pretty.
Sometimes I would come back here briefly, like in May when friends to Pierre and Christopher reached out. But after having blogged well over 150 times between September 2006 and January 2007, I blogged only 11 times in May, June and July, and not at all in September to December 2007. I did start gradually feeling better late in the year.
4) Part the Fourth - In which I am truly "recalled to life":
In Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, he speaks of the convicted man being "recalled to life" out of the depths of his prison. In early January 2008, it was as if someone called me and I suddenly woke up, inspired with a vision for the International Association. and eager to live, to reconnect with my Gaia friends, to visit friends again and take better care of myself.
The first big Gaia event of 2008 for me was creating the God Pod onJanuary 31. At that time I had no idea how this would become the centre of my Gaia experience, the caring spiritual community I needed so much both to care for and in which to receive love. I thought I was just doing it so I wouldn't keep getting blog notifications from Lindsey's blog discussion "Is there a God?" What did I know? :) Through the healing there and elsewhere, I was soon ready to return to church, to forgive the priest.
Relationally, 2008 has been all over the place for me:
- Broke off again (!) with my partner on Valentine's Day to very mixed feelings.
- In my first Diving Deeper assignment I relived an old attachment that still haunted me.
- I found resolution in friendship after 15 years concerning another deep attachment.
- I fell for a Gaian who was my sweet wonderful friend but it didn't work. We have since become good friends
- I fell for someone else. That was quite the total disaster but I am now peaceful about it.
- one more time, and when again it didn't work out, finally was ready to stop falling for unavailable men. At least, so far so good! :)
Physically, I have also been all over the place :) with IAKF and Gaia meet-ups in
- Toronto in April and July
- Montreal in April, June and July
- New Jersey in May
- Vancouver in June
- SF in July with Samme, Nishtha and Doug
- LA in July at Julie's
- Global Gaia Gatherings (GGG) in Hebden Bridge, Cardiff, London
- next stop, Japan (November 30-December 8)
Only time will tell, but the Return to the Soul workshop felt like a true turning point for me.
Last night was my first choir practice with Musica Viva. It felt so good to sing again, to have Cristian as a director again. He is very easy-going and relaxed - for a choir director :). I do enjoy the energy and community of francophone choirs too.
5) Part the Fifth - In conclusion!
Warm thanks to all of you, my friends, for the beauty you have been in my journey, in my life, and for indulging me in this walk through my life so far with Zaadz/Gaia.
This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community within the big circle are a profound source of inspiration to me as I read your blogs and discussions every day, and read your messages in the pods, your grapevinings and personal messages.
Together this we-space is becoming richer, deeper and more vibrant all the time. Yay, us!
Don't you love the way that toddlers always share their age by showing you the number of fingers? LOL! We talked about it, my New Jersey friends and I, at our meetup...
Coming up on my Second "Gaiaversary", I have been thinking, thinking about how I want to celebrate. I've decided to do a wander through my past 2 years with you.
1) Part the First - In which I discover Zaadz, and some early joys:
I found Zaadz through an ad in the online version of "What is Enlightenment?" which I heard about through a Kumon colleague who is deeply into things Integral and spirally :) and whom I was getting to know better as a friend. On that fateful day of September 22, 2006, I got invited to join by my first friend Brondu and soon after decided to introduce myself with my first blog, a brief history of me.
At first my favourite pod was The Beloved's Teahouse, a garden of visual and poetic delights alas now gone from us along with its cultivator Herbie. Within that first week I was already blogging about Soul Mates and The 7 chakras, since I was really trying to work through relational issues in some excellent pods and in my heart, but these were just articles found on the net. It took me quite a while to discover my blogging style. I would mostly blog favourite poems by others (including, yes, Rilke!) or articles.
But even then I sometimes used one of my own poems or blogged something personal like my first Zaadz retrospective at still less than two weeks old!.
2) Part the Second - In which I live through trying times:
It was a very busy time for me, late 2006. I was juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes I would drop, totally overwhelmed. On top of all the usual busyness of chairing the church board, for example, I would at times have to preach a sermon. As the leader of the International Association, I had many meetings with corporate Kumon. On October 31, 2006 I started the Zed is us, eh? pod and began diligently to try to cultivate it. But I was doing much, much more: involved in nearly every aspect of church, going through the madness of fall at my learning centre, etc etc.
As the stress got more intense, so did the reactivity and the learning. I began to feel very lonely, especially as the anniversary of my friends' death drew near. Sometimes I felt great,
but at other times, I was really struggling with my anger. Just as painful in a different way was struggling with an attraction that was going nowhere. Relationships, past and present plagued me with questions I wasn't yet ready to answer. Once more I broke off "for good" with my partner, with all the stress that entails
At the end of November I learned of a death of a friend, Matthew. He was a gifted poet,
and going to the memorial service stretched me terribly emotionally. It all felt much too much. I tried to rally, tried to listen to a sister's wisdom, and put my all into the early December Messiah concerts which turned out to be very satisfying and kindly reviewed by a usually harsh critic.
It was an odd Christmas, somehow the movie Joyeux Noel/Merry Christmas felt very appropriate, after another death - my estranged partner's mom. Looking back, it was the lull before the storm.
3) Part the Third - In which things get much worse before they get better:
In January, 2007, I was asked by my beloved priest-mentor to resign my position on the church board because I was too stressed. I began to go through more inner conflicts,
because of all the many activities I was juggling, the church board was the one that was most important to me. I did everything I could to frame it positively. But by February I had to concede defeat. I could no longer attend church. It was too painful. I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing anything but get up at the last possible minute, play simple puzzle video games obsessively, go to work, eat and sleep. I saw no one except my family (and one dear friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, whom I saw maybe every couple of months). I took no phone calls except business. I was completely depressed and felt numb most of the time.
So of course I went back into the relationship, as I was barely functioning ,and relied on my partner to do so much. If he would get frustrated with my passivity and ask me to do some small thing, I would start to panic and cry and beg and he would relent. It was not pretty.
Sometimes I would come back here briefly, like in May when friends to Pierre and Christopher reached out. But after having blogged well over 150 times between September 2006 and January 2007, I blogged only 11 times in May, June and July, and not at all in September to December 2007. I did start gradually feeling better late in the year.
4) Part the Fourth - In which I am truly "recalled to life":
In Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, he speaks of the convicted man being "recalled to life" out of the depths of his prison. In early January 2008, it was as if someone called me and I suddenly woke up, inspired with a vision for the International Association. and eager to live, to reconnect with my Gaia friends, to visit friends again and take better care of myself.
The first big Gaia event of 2008 for me was creating the God Pod onJanuary 31. At that time I had no idea how this would become the centre of my Gaia experience, the caring spiritual community I needed so much both to care for and in which to receive love. I thought I was just doing it so I wouldn't keep getting blog notifications from Lindsey's blog discussion "Is there a God?" What did I know? :) Through the healing there and elsewhere, I was soon ready to return to church, to forgive the priest.
Relationally, 2008 has been all over the place for me:
- Broke off again (!) with my partner on Valentine's Day to very mixed feelings.
- In my first Diving Deeper assignment I relived an old attachment that still haunted me.
- I found resolution in friendship after 15 years concerning another deep attachment.
- I fell for a Gaian who was my sweet wonderful friend but it didn't work. We have since become good friends
- I fell for someone else. That was quite the total disaster but I am now peaceful about it.
- one more time, and when again it didn't work out, finally was ready to stop falling for unavailable men. At least, so far so good! :)
Physically, I have also been all over the place :) with IAKF and Gaia meet-ups in
- Toronto in April and July
- Montreal in April, June and July
- New Jersey in May
- Vancouver in June
- SF in July with Samme, Nishtha and Doug
- LA in July at Julie's
- Global Gaia Gatherings (GGG) in Hebden Bridge, Cardiff, London
- next stop, Japan (November 30-December 8)
Only time will tell, but the Return to the Soul workshop felt like a true turning point for me.
Last night was my first choir practice with Musica Viva. It felt so good to sing again, to have Cristian as a director again. He is very easy-going and relaxed - for a choir director :). I do enjoy the energy and community of francophone choirs too.
5) Part the Fifth - In conclusion!
Warm thanks to all of you, my friends, for the beauty you have been in my journey, in my life, and for indulging me in this walk through my life so far with Zaadz/Gaia.
This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community within the big circle are a profound source of inspiration to me as I read your blogs and discussions every day, and read your messages in the pods, your grapevinings and personal messages.
Together this we-space is becoming richer, deeper and more vibrant all the time. Yay, us!
Access: PublicTagged with: Gaiaversary, 2 years, Zaadz, choir, stress, depression, community, Gaia meet ups, love, we-space
Nicole, dear one!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I feel for you, as you went through a stage of depression, and only wish I could have known you then - well, a cyber hug has to do it now, my dear - for now.
I am glad you have founded God-Pod, and yes what a wonderful place it is! It is my honor to be of your assistance there, and anywhere else. You have shown your light in so many ways here on Gaia, your heart-print (as Kathy would say) is left everywhere.
I hope that each time you feel overwhelmed or have anything you need to talk about, you will reach out to us, your friends here, for whom you have been there when we needed you. At all times we are ready to return the favor.
Hugs to you!
Claudia
Claudia, it is so appropriate that you are the first to comment because you have been so closely at my side since you came into my life here. Thank you for your support. Indeed, I could have said so much more in my blog but was trying to be concise :) But I need to say that one of the really awesome things for me this year has been that ever time I needed hugs and reassuring and perspective my Gaia friends have been right there, on the grapevine, in personal messages, on the phone and IM, in spirit and in person. In other words, in every possible way! I have always been surrounding by a cloud of angels and I can't express how much that has meant to me.
Last year when I was so low, I knew I needed just to be away from everything, from everyone, so as much as all my friends including my Gaia friends wanted to be there for me, the only way they could was to stay silently by and wait till I was ready to be with people again.
That emptiness and numbness was truly horrible to experience, day after week after month. Since then, I keep being reminded whether by joy or suffering that it is a blessed thing to be alive, to live, not to be numb.
And dear Claudia, you, too, leave your heart-print everywhere! How delightful it was to learn of this wonderful saying of Kathy (~KES) this week, it is so beautifully expressive.
Big love to you, warm hugs!
Nicole, thank you for sharing this. All the highs and lows, the ups and downs. It's kind of interesting to summarize it, isn't it? Almost a wrap-up that expresses it all, and then helps to move on. It is wonderful to have all these Gaia friends surrounding us, isn't it? Love you muchly. Thanks again.
Happy second Gaiaversary! Thanks for sharing the details of your journey these last two years.
It's wonderful to be on Gaia and have such supportive friends, who are always there through our highs and lows.
Dearest Kathy, yes, I found it interesting to look through all the blogs I have written here, and see and think about the meaning of the ups and downs and sideways :)
It's very humbling to see what a slow learner I am :) how I keep getting the same lessons and still keep making the same mistakes, but encouraging to be beginning again to begin again, moving on and in and up and through.
Thank you for walking with me. You have inspired me so much to be present to whatever is happening in my life and in the lives of others without judgment or blame, just to observe and allow it to be what it is. Your example means more than I can say.
Dear Lenore,
(Love all the really cool peace icons you have. Wow!)
Thank you for coming to share this special time with me. I appreciate your friendship, your warm presence in my life. I have enjoyed your blogs, you have a delightful sense of humour and great perspective. You are truly Peacemaker. :)
Hugs to you both!
PS that picture is stunning, too. And thanks for the kind affirmations. Don't think you're slower than any of the rest of us, though. :)
Yes, and it's one of the handful of stock photos that comes with Windows computer systems. Who says Microsoft is all bad? LOL!
I appreciate the comforting words. Anyway, it's all good, slow or fast right? :)
Oh I meant to ask you about your icon, Full Moon… it intrigues me. I have to take a closer look…
Ok… these two trees seem so loving toward each other, interdependent. Hugging! :) Is it just me? What did you see in the picture? Did you take it? Why do you love it?
Our daughter took the picture….two intertwined trees along the lakeside. I like how it looks like the trees are dancing together. Or someone said: holding hands. She's a good photographer, I think.
I think so too! Thanks for satisfying my curiosity. It's fun having you around more!
Omg. I see her holding up two fingers. How cute……Our Nic is turning two whole years….
So happy “Gaiaversary” to one of Gaia's sweetest soul. Here is wishing you many more magical years on Gaia and may you have more fulfillng ups and never any depressing downs …..and may you enchant more hearts with your lovely brand of magic….
Love ya.
Amy :-)
I can totally understand your experience of wanting to be alone for a time. I feel those fallow times are extremely important.
I didn't realize the significance of the time period in which I met you. I joined a while after you started the God Pod and it was going strong by the time I came across it. I had no idea that you were coming out of a down time in your life or that the God Pod was new.
I guess I joined at a good time. You were one of the first people who welcomed me to Gaia. I know that, if it wasn't for the God Pod and your comments on my blogs, I probably wouldn't have felt such an immediate connection to this community.
Dear sweet Amy, LOLOL! I feel vewwy adorable and little right now :) thanks for the beautiful wishes. I too hope to have many more years on Gaia and know they will be filled with magic! and awwww…. that's so nice of you to talk about enchanting when you are the enchantress, with your bewitching stories :):)
I was wonderful to meet you in Toronto, I'll never forget that dear little Italian restaurant and how everything was perfect - the weather, sitting outside in the sunshine; the perfect service, always there when you wanted, never hovering; and most of all the delightful company. Hope you come to Montreal sometime soon so I can return the favour!
My dear buddy Ben, I'm so glad you said this, because I too think that time for me to lie “fallow” was crucial, as painful as the events that preceded it, and as hard as it was to be numb and for my friends to stand by idle. I believe profoundly that all the fruits harvested in my life this year have been a direct result of that time.
You joined at just the right time for me too. You have been a mainstay of the Pod and I always enjoy your blogs and our long rambling conversations on them. I learn so much from you for your delightful curtiosity, my Elephant's child friend :), takes us both into many realms…
I'm glad I helped you connect here and I am so grateful for your caring support.
Hug(e) hugs to you both! (As Eli would say :):))
Nicole, that's a lot of time and a lot of memories…it's great that your path has led you through so many lessons though sad that some of them weren't the most fun to live through…
Girl, you got you some serious hyper energy! Nuff respect [as we would say down the islands ;) ]
I’ve always worried a little about your balance and hope you’re healthy… You’re driven, I’ll give you that! And I know you find pleasures unbounded in the Community.
Please put your health first and foremost though; we love to hear your energised stories! Ok?
Love to your ever loving heart. Friend Sherri
Hey, my buddy Eric! What a very, very wonderfully strange icon… LOL! You must terrify those other dinosaurs…
So, not all fun to live through. Right, but I don't have to tell you that they were the most valuable and growing ones, you've been through worse than me, and look at you! Wow. Thanks for stopping by, and you know how very thankul I am to you for being there for me consistently through the whole time I've known you so far. Hard to believe it has not quite been 4 months since the meet up in New Jersey. It feels like I've known you for years. Time is always a strange phenomenon but especially strange in this sense, don't you find? Especially with this friendship, amalgam of in person/IM/phoning/comments… somehow I feel you're always there even if we don't talk for a few days.
My sweet sister Sherri. Hello! When I look at your icon today, water and sky, I think peace. Don't feel very hyper this week, let me tell you! LOL. I assure you that I enjoy good health though and I'm learning bit by bit to take better and better care of myself. Balance is ever elusive but a proximal goal is just connecting with the breath and the moment more, checking in with my body, relaxing muscles that are unnecessarily tensed, feeling whatever it is that I feel and letting it be in my body without judgment or blame.
Love you both!
Majungatholus, being the apex predator on a small island, was definitely scary, but would not have been the apex predator on the continent of Africa, for example. Plus, the fact that it lived on that small island may have led to a lot of inbreeding and mutations.
%$*%&*$ history channel! LOL
Anyway, the best part about looking back is you can see the path of growth, and no one can take away a lesson learned, unless we're talking about the book Flowers for Algernon, or perhaps 1984, but we're not, so yeah.
Once upon a time, in a not so far away land of Montreal, there lives a sweet little girl. Can anyone see her putting up her fingers in the air each time she turns a year old? Yes. Me too.
Anyway, everyone loved this little girl and they still do and will always do…and even though some will break her heart, the little girl doesn't mind one bit…because she loves everyone right back and as long as she doesn't break other people's heart, she knows she doesn't have to worry about anything….
And she lives on…..happily ever after…
The beginning.
:-))
Awww… Amy, now you're going to have me crying! You sweet dear person… yes, it is the beginning. Isn't it wonderful how we get to begin every day? I love you!
happy gaia bd my dear…i missed mine…had made a mental note of it, but then got caught up in the now…and clean forgot all about it! LOL…i am celebrating with you…miss two…much love and joy…you are an inspiration…always, star…
well happy belated gaia birthday! we're not even a month and a half late, c'mon girl! LOL
that's a great reason to forget something, may we all get caught up in the now. I started celebrating early so still have ten days to go really, so what the heck, we'll split the difference a tad unevenly and celebrate together :):)
you're the one who inspires me with your fantastic poetry and mind-blowingly stunning pics to go with them… and always so beautifully pointing to others for your inspiration, in their blogs and pictures… thanks for your wisdom and affirmation, star. big hugs!
what would i be without you…and others to inspire me? i don't even want to think about it! LOL…if there were nothing to mirror reflection…then emptiness could not dance…i am so grateful that we are dancing this gaia together…joy…*
so am i! i'm enjoying your explorations on emptiness and form and dance very much… everywhere :) like lars' blog lol
Yes yesyesyes sister-in-heart! This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community are a profound source of inspiration to me too! I am stretched pulled expanded, don't even recognize my own bone structure so much anymore, because of the wondrous inspiration of YOU and everyone here. Wow. Deep bows. Peace. And oceans of love!
oceans of love flooding back your way dearest Jeannie~ you are awesomely inspiring even on this grey Monday morning! :)
Holding up 2 fingers …makes sense ;)
Great all you do, Nicole.
Thanks for bringing people together.
Love,
J :)
Thanks for all you do, my dear Janie!
And for those who drop by who are not familiar with the wonderful initiatives of you and your loved ones:
http://www.2senseworth.org
http://www.charitywater.org/
seems you knew just what to do to celebrate, you wrote it all down, you shared it with us and now we celebrate with you!
and ya know, keith and i love your big ol' town and have a hunch we will meet up there in the not real distant future! that will be a sweet day!
i just want you to know that you are a teacher to me on friendship, an example and an inspiration.
love you, you kind giver, you!mary
ps Just a note that it was Bluewater who turned me onto charity:water and as you know, it is now a passionate initiative of my own and i am 1/2 way to my fundraising goal, in part because of you, Nicole!
yes! thank you so much for coming to celebrate with me, my dear Mary.
It will be wonderful to see you and Keith, may it be soon!
Thank you for your kind words. And that is terrific that you are already halfway to your fundraising goal for charity water. You rock!
mega hugs!
oh, delight! you want to meet us soon! well, perhaps a trip to montreal is in oder, my dear! a weekend before the deep freezes hit? and you'd be so welcome to come here too! maybe we can plan a boston gaia gathering!
i am giddy with delight today and cant wait to share my good news with you and my other friends here.
i write this as the debate starts. you watchin'?
have a great weekend, love,
mary
yes, it would be great it you could come here! I'm afraid it's unlikely I'll get to Boston soon!
enjoy the debate, I'm grabbing an early night - busy day tomorrow! (no cable, don't watch TV…)
big hugs! you have a great weekend too, hon
Remarkable journey, Nicole. It shows why you are always with members in their hour of confusion.
As you’ve journeyed so close to the emotion of life offline and online, intertwined, separate and together, it has helped you to relate to different people at many levels.
Thank you for the amazing support you provide to Gaians; and in respect for the gr8 pod you’re nurturing. wanted to stop notifications, eh? Beautiful turn of events ;0
thanks Meenakshi! your warmth and devotion to Gaia are amazing and humbling.