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November 2009 
Turning this many! (waving 2 fingers)
Posted on Sep 9th, 2008
by 
Nicole
Nicole
Image: my first icon - Windows stock photo.
Don't you love the way that toddlers always share their age by showing you the number of fingers? LOL! We talked about it, my New Jersey friends and I, at our meetup...
Coming up on my Second "Gaiaversary", I have been thinking, thinking about how I want to celebrate. I've decided to do a wander through my past 2 years with you.
1) Part the First - In which I discover Zaadz, and some early joys:
I found Zaadz through an ad in the online version of "What is Enlightenment?" which I heard about through a Kumon colleague who is deeply into things Integral and spirally :) and whom I was getting to know better as a friend. On that fateful day of September 22, 2006, I got invited to join by my first friend Brondu and soon after decided to introduce myself with my first blog, a brief history of me.
At first my favourite pod was The Beloved's Teahouse, a garden of visual and poetic delights alas now gone from us along with its cultivator Herbie. Within that first week I was already blogging about Soul Mates and The 7 chakras, since I was really trying to work through relational issues in some excellent pods and in my heart, but these were just articles found on the net. It took me quite a while to discover my blogging style. I would mostly blog favourite poems by others (including, yes, Rilke!) or articles.
But even then I sometimes used one of my own poems or blogged something personal like my first Zaadz retrospective at still less than two weeks old!.
2) Part the Second - In which I live through trying times:
It was a very busy time for me, late 2006. I was juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes I would drop, totally overwhelmed. On top of all the usual busyness of chairing the church board, for example, I would at times have to preach a sermon. As the leader of the International Association, I had many meetings with corporate Kumon. On October 31, 2006 I started the Zed is us, eh? pod and began diligently to try to cultivate it. But I was doing much, much more: involved in nearly every aspect of church, going through the madness of fall at my learning centre, etc etc.
As the stress got more intense, so did the reactivity and the learning. I began to feel very lonely, especially as the anniversary of my friends' death drew near. Sometimes I felt great,
but at other times, I was really struggling with my anger. Just as painful in a different way was struggling with an attraction that was going nowhere. Relationships, past and present plagued me with questions I wasn't yet ready to answer. Once more I broke off "for good" with my partner, with all the stress that entails
At the end of November I learned of a death of a friend, Matthew. He was a gifted poet,
and going to the memorial service stretched me terribly emotionally. It all felt much too much. I tried to rally, tried to listen to a sister's wisdom, and put my all into the early December Messiah concerts which turned out to be very satisfying and kindly reviewed by a usually harsh critic.
It was an odd Christmas, somehow the movie Joyeux Noel/Merry Christmas felt very appropriate, after another death - my estranged partner's mom. Looking back, it was the lull before the storm.
3) Part the Third - In which things get much worse before they get better:
In January, 2007, I was asked by my beloved priest-mentor to resign my position on the church board because I was too stressed. I began to go through more inner conflicts,
because of all the many activities I was juggling, the church board was the one that was most important to me. I did everything I could to frame it positively. But by February I had to concede defeat. I could no longer attend church. It was too painful. I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing anything but get up at the last possible minute, play simple puzzle video games obsessively, go to work, eat and sleep. I saw no one except my family (and one dear friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, whom I saw maybe every couple of months). I took no phone calls except business. I was completely depressed and felt numb most of the time.
So of course I went back into the relationship, as I was barely functioning ,and relied on my partner to do so much. If he would get frustrated with my passivity and ask me to do some small thing, I would start to panic and cry and beg and he would relent. It was not pretty.
Sometimes I would come back here briefly, like in May when friends to Pierre and Christopher reached out. But after having blogged well over 150 times between September 2006 and January 2007, I blogged only 11 times in May, June and July, and not at all in September to December 2007. I did start gradually feeling better late in the year.
4) Part the Fourth - In which I am truly "recalled to life":
In Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, he speaks of the convicted man being "recalled to life" out of the depths of his prison. In early January 2008, it was as if someone called me and I suddenly woke up, inspired with a vision for the International Association. and eager to live, to reconnect with my Gaia friends, to visit friends again and take better care of myself.
The first big Gaia event of 2008 for me was creating the God Pod onJanuary 31. At that time I had no idea how this would become the centre of my Gaia experience, the caring spiritual community I needed so much both to care for and in which to receive love. I thought I was just doing it so I wouldn't keep getting blog notifications from Lindsey's blog discussion "Is there a God?" What did I know? :) Through the healing there and elsewhere, I was soon ready to return to church, to forgive the priest.
Relationally, 2008 has been all over the place for me:
- Broke off again (!) with my partner on Valentine's Day to very mixed feelings.
- In my first Diving Deeper assignment I relived an old attachment that still haunted me.
- I found resolution in friendship after 15 years concerning another deep attachment.
- I fell for a Gaian who was my sweet wonderful friend but it didn't work. We have since become good friends
- I fell for someone else. That was quite the total disaster but I am now peaceful about it.
- one more time, and when again it didn't work out, finally was ready to stop falling for unavailable men. At least, so far so good! :)
Physically, I have also been all over the place :) with IAKF and Gaia meet-ups in
- Toronto in April and July
- Montreal in April, June and July
- New Jersey in May
- Vancouver in June
- SF in July with Samme, Nishtha and Doug
- LA in July at Julie's
- Global Gaia Gatherings (GGG) in Hebden Bridge, Cardiff, London
- next stop, Japan (November 30-December 8)
Only time will tell, but the Return to the Soul workshop felt like a true turning point for me.
Last night was my first choir practice with Musica Viva. It felt so good to sing again, to have Cristian as a director again. He is very easy-going and relaxed - for a choir director :). I do enjoy the energy and community of francophone choirs too.
5) Part the Fifth - In conclusion!
Warm thanks to all of you, my friends, for the beauty you have been in my journey, in my life, and for indulging me in this walk through my life so far with Zaadz/Gaia.
This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community within the big circle are a profound source of inspiration to me as I read your blogs and discussions every day, and read your messages in the pods, your grapevinings and personal messages.
Together this we-space is becoming richer, deeper and more vibrant all the time. Yay, us!
Don't you love the way that toddlers always share their age by showing you the number of fingers? LOL! We talked about it, my New Jersey friends and I, at our meetup...
Coming up on my Second "Gaiaversary", I have been thinking, thinking about how I want to celebrate. I've decided to do a wander through my past 2 years with you.
1) Part the First - In which I discover Zaadz, and some early joys:
I found Zaadz through an ad in the online version of "What is Enlightenment?" which I heard about through a Kumon colleague who is deeply into things Integral and spirally :) and whom I was getting to know better as a friend. On that fateful day of September 22, 2006, I got invited to join by my first friend Brondu and soon after decided to introduce myself with my first blog, a brief history of me.
At first my favourite pod was The Beloved's Teahouse, a garden of visual and poetic delights alas now gone from us along with its cultivator Herbie. Within that first week I was already blogging about Soul Mates and The 7 chakras, since I was really trying to work through relational issues in some excellent pods and in my heart, but these were just articles found on the net. It took me quite a while to discover my blogging style. I would mostly blog favourite poems by others (including, yes, Rilke!) or articles.
But even then I sometimes used one of my own poems or blogged something personal like my first Zaadz retrospective at still less than two weeks old!.
2) Part the Second - In which I live through trying times:
It was a very busy time for me, late 2006. I was juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes I would drop, totally overwhelmed. On top of all the usual busyness of chairing the church board, for example, I would at times have to preach a sermon. As the leader of the International Association, I had many meetings with corporate Kumon. On October 31, 2006 I started the Zed is us, eh? pod and began diligently to try to cultivate it. But I was doing much, much more: involved in nearly every aspect of church, going through the madness of fall at my learning centre, etc etc.
As the stress got more intense, so did the reactivity and the learning. I began to feel very lonely, especially as the anniversary of my friends' death drew near. Sometimes I felt great,
but at other times, I was really struggling with my anger. Just as painful in a different way was struggling with an attraction that was going nowhere. Relationships, past and present plagued me with questions I wasn't yet ready to answer. Once more I broke off "for good" with my partner, with all the stress that entails
At the end of November I learned of a death of a friend, Matthew. He was a gifted poet,
and going to the memorial service stretched me terribly emotionally. It all felt much too much. I tried to rally, tried to listen to a sister's wisdom, and put my all into the early December Messiah concerts which turned out to be very satisfying and kindly reviewed by a usually harsh critic.
It was an odd Christmas, somehow the movie Joyeux Noel/Merry Christmas felt very appropriate, after another death - my estranged partner's mom. Looking back, it was the lull before the storm.
3) Part the Third - In which things get much worse before they get better:
In January, 2007, I was asked by my beloved priest-mentor to resign my position on the church board because I was too stressed. I began to go through more inner conflicts,
because of all the many activities I was juggling, the church board was the one that was most important to me. I did everything I could to frame it positively. But by February I had to concede defeat. I could no longer attend church. It was too painful. I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing anything but get up at the last possible minute, play simple puzzle video games obsessively, go to work, eat and sleep. I saw no one except my family (and one dear friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, whom I saw maybe every couple of months). I took no phone calls except business. I was completely depressed and felt numb most of the time.
So of course I went back into the relationship, as I was barely functioning ,and relied on my partner to do so much. If he would get frustrated with my passivity and ask me to do some small thing, I would start to panic and cry and beg and he would relent. It was not pretty.
Sometimes I would come back here briefly, like in May when friends to Pierre and Christopher reached out. But after having blogged well over 150 times between September 2006 and January 2007, I blogged only 11 times in May, June and July, and not at all in September to December 2007. I did start gradually feeling better late in the year.
4) Part the Fourth - In which I am truly "recalled to life":
In Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, he speaks of the convicted man being "recalled to life" out of the depths of his prison. In early January 2008, it was as if someone called me and I suddenly woke up, inspired with a vision for the International Association. and eager to live, to reconnect with my Gaia friends, to visit friends again and take better care of myself.
The first big Gaia event of 2008 for me was creating the God Pod onJanuary 31. At that time I had no idea how this would become the centre of my Gaia experience, the caring spiritual community I needed so much both to care for and in which to receive love. I thought I was just doing it so I wouldn't keep getting blog notifications from Lindsey's blog discussion "Is there a God?" What did I know? :) Through the healing there and elsewhere, I was soon ready to return to church, to forgive the priest.
Relationally, 2008 has been all over the place for me:
- Broke off again (!) with my partner on Valentine's Day to very mixed feelings.
- In my first Diving Deeper assignment I relived an old attachment that still haunted me.
- I found resolution in friendship after 15 years concerning another deep attachment.
- I fell for a Gaian who was my sweet wonderful friend but it didn't work. We have since become good friends
- I fell for someone else. That was quite the total disaster but I am now peaceful about it.
- one more time, and when again it didn't work out, finally was ready to stop falling for unavailable men. At least, so far so good! :)
Physically, I have also been all over the place :) with IAKF and Gaia meet-ups in
- Toronto in April and July
- Montreal in April, June and July
- New Jersey in May
- Vancouver in June
- SF in July with Samme, Nishtha and Doug
- LA in July at Julie's
- Global Gaia Gatherings (GGG) in Hebden Bridge, Cardiff, London
- next stop, Japan (November 30-December 8)
Only time will tell, but the Return to the Soul workshop felt like a true turning point for me.
Last night was my first choir practice with Musica Viva. It felt so good to sing again, to have Cristian as a director again. He is very easy-going and relaxed - for a choir director :). I do enjoy the energy and community of francophone choirs too.
5) Part the Fifth - In conclusion!
Warm thanks to all of you, my friends, for the beauty you have been in my journey, in my life, and for indulging me in this walk through my life so far with Zaadz/Gaia.
This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community within the big circle are a profound source of inspiration to me as I read your blogs and discussions every day, and read your messages in the pods, your grapevinings and personal messages.
Together this we-space is becoming richer, deeper and more vibrant all the time. Yay, us!
Access: PublicTagged with: Gaiaversary, 2 years, Zaadz, choir, stress, depression, community, Gaia meet ups, love, we-space
