Return to the Soul workshop - Julian Giacomelli/Anant Jesse

Nearly two weeks ago, I blogged about my dear victoria's invitating me to her friend Julian's workshop, which happened yesterday at the Rad'a centre in Montreal, a lovely yoga space with the headquarters for the delightful ascent magazine above it on the second floor.

I was very ready for the workshop after being ill then depressed and doing a lot of thinking and deep processing recently (see also here for more background on what's been happening in my world).

As soon as I stepped into the space, I felt the peace and welcoming of it:

"rad’a offers a unique space that fosters personal growth and reflection... In this sacred space, community is supported and all spiritual traditions are valued. Wood floors and brick walls create a warm ambiance, and big windows overlooking the cityscape are a reminder of the contemporary world we live in."

 

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1) Entering the sacred space:

We were about 20 participants, including David, a Gaian I had met at one of our Montreal Meets. It was good to see him again, and catch up a bit. Also, Victoria, I delivered that hug to Julian for you :) and he sends you his warm love and best wishes in all of your wonderful challenges, and sincere thanks for sending me and David along to his workshop.

 We listened to meditative music and waited in a circle to begin each on a comfortable backjack, (which was new to me, a cushion with good backrest built in):


then Anant got us started by drumming a beat for us, inviting us to snap along then clap our hands. Once he had our full attention and the introductions were complete, Julian led us in a series of basic yoga asanas, till we were completely in our breathing, contemplating being filled by light and seeing the light fill the universe.

2) Returning to the Soul:

What an awesome receptive place we were in, then, to begin our voyage within! We took time to write down in our journaling booklets some impressions of being in the light, and then wrote some goals in our hearts and goals on our mind.

Our own heart always exceeds us. Rainer Maria Rilke (these quotes are sprinkled through the journaling booklet)

Explore daily the will of God. C.G. Jung

We went on to learn about how the "ego's main tendency became a substitute for a lost quality of Essence. In this way, the personality contains the key to our specific dilemma" Lynette Sheppard

The Enneagram (of Ego) with Riso-Hudson Type Names 

here for an overview of Enneagram

here to find your type/wing

Once we had done some thinking and exploration about what trait each of us most resonated with, we wrote about some of the basic dynamics between us and our parents from our infancy, and thought about how they might have led to the development of that particular ego strategy.

I found myself relatively easily (and not surprisingly to any of my friends :) ) to be The Helper:

here for a detailed description of Type Two

"Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel love"

I also readily saw how that grew out of extended separation from both parents in early childhood, leading to strategies of over-helpfulness and becoming indispensible, so that I would not be abandoned again.

3) Moving into Unlimited Space:

We were then invited to connect again with our unlimited being of light, where I meditated on things like being able to love and cherish myself, being alone, having better boundaries, saying no or later, saying goodbye, not feeling abandoned and needy and in lack.

The Soul... fire cannot burn it, water cannot wet it, wind cannot dry it, weapons cannot cleave it. It's ancient, it's unborn, it never dies. Bhagwad Gita

All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life. M.C. Richards.

Julian discussed with us the garden of our life, the things we will need to keep in place to keep it flourishing - including

preparation
planning
awareness/observation
planting seeds of intention
breathwork
mindful exercise (seeing how the ego works)
study
journaling (blogging)
contemplation
meditation
walking
rest/renewal - creating space/time
purification
shadow work
visualisation

Discipline
Surrender

In the heart of difficulty lies opportunity - Albert Einstein.

4) Afterwards

Before I left, I discussed with Julian one practical issue that emerged for me - needing to do yoga. He recommended a friend of his, Yasmin, who does yoga classes close to my area - I think at the Centre Holistique OM West - so I've just left a message, hoping to join a class there.

It's hard to describe the effect that this workshop had on me. I felt as if I walked out of there into a spaciousness of heart, mind and time. At first, the sharp pain of abandonment and loss that I began to experience as I reconnect to my infant self persisted below the surface, but there was also a sense of lightness, freedom, mixed with a deep fatigue - it was a lot of work!

I went home to discover that my daughter's team had won their soccer finals, so after a long and deep conversation with my cousin in the UK about my explorations, we went out to supper, my daughter, my ex-partner and I.

In parenthesis, I have struggled for years to let go of this relationship, so have been in an endless merry-go-round of breaking up and geting back together. In the past few months, I have tried this middle ground of being "friends" with intermittent intimacy, but after the workshop and seeing clearly during dinner how possessive he still is though I have tried to draw clearer and clearer boundaries, I told him after we got back from the restaurant that I wanted him to go back to his apartment then and, after a long, pleasant chat with a Gaia friend, I called him to explain that it's really not working.

Neither of us really believes yet that this is truly goodbye, after so many good-byes that have been reversed into "I want  you to help me with __"s.

So, like an alcoholic, I move forward into a "dry" day, and say to myself, "Today, I know I can be alone." I am not trying to know more than that.

I feel peaceful, relaxed, open. It may not be different, but it feels like a new place.

My very good friend Faye called this morning to say that our long-awaited weekend together starting Friday was not going to happen. I was disappointed, a bit, but over-ridingly I knew it was ok, and was able just to listen to her, her anger at her husband for sabotaging it, her pain, and just be there for her. When she had to go before we had really talked things through, I was again a bit disappointed, but content to go deep into writing this blog, which has taken a lot of time but been satisfying and good to write.

Love to you all...