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a little help
November 2009 
being called by Kathy (Centria)
Posted on Aug 17th, 2008
by 
Nicole
Nicole
Last night, I had reached a new low, even for this week, which has had unexpected challenges. I was lying on the couch, miserable. The phone rang, and the number was unfamiliar, so I answered it professionally, thinking it could be some International association member, or prospective member (feeling, oh please no, I am not up to work right now).
"Hello, this is Kathy, Centria."
Right away, that professional brittle shell melted away and when she asked how I was doing, I began to pour out everything -
1) my worry about my sister who has just been diagnosed not with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, which we had thought for many years she had, but with some form or forms of
seronegative_spondyloarthropathy:
"Spondylarthropathy are inflammatory conditions affecting the spine and occasionally other joints. The condition is often characterized by back pain but the severity of the symptoms can vary greatly. Seronegative spondylarthropathy is where the blood does not have a certain antibody (rheumatoid factor) which enables it to be distinguished from rheumatoid arthritis. Examples of seronegative spondylarthropathies includes ankylosing spondylitis" (which is what a number of specialists now suspect she has.
and perhaps inflammatory_bowel_disease.
My reading on the net only makes it worse, as these are terrible diseases. She has been suffering a long time and in the wake of a second hip replacement (she's only 50) she has reacted badly.
The good news is that she is getting good medical attention by specialists and they seem to be getting to the bottom of this. But the medication is harsh and the cortizone they are using to reduce the swelling has serious side affects so they won't be able to keep using it. But the doctors tell her she should be well enough to act in her important play, Doubt,
which she has been preparing so long in between her work teaching at the Lyric School of Acting and her many other projects, directing and so on, all over.
Yes, she does a lot, and leads a very high powered life, which is part of why she is suffering so now. But it is hard for people like us to slow down or admit we are human.
Michele, my other sister Genevieve (who is at 48 studying for med school, and who did her best to offer calm in a phone conversation about Michele yesterday) and I are very different, but very much alike in certain key ways.
2) Being ill - yesterday was the third day spent entirely in bed or on the couch, with a bad cold, very sore throat, aches and deep lethargy. i didn't go to work Thursday. My body has finally rebelled after being dragged halfway around the world and back over the past months and is forcing me to rest properly.
3) Hard home truths - my sister and i had discussed my pattern of loving unavailable men, which stems from growing up with an absent, unavailable father, and trying to replicate that over and over with different kinds of unavailable. We agreed it has to stop, that I have to know myself deeply to be worth more, and only allow the "right" person, who is at least as strong as I, in. All these I know to be true. Living them is another thing altogether.
4) Gaia madness - it seems that there is more than usual pain and strangeness out there in Gaia, the darkness and fire amidst the sun and the flowers. Kathy and I talked about how it affects us, and how there is little we can do directly, but must pray and leave it to God.
5) Upcoming busyness - as summer draws to a close, I dread the intense busyness of work in high gear, preparing for the Japan conference, singing with a choir (I need to do it but it will be intense) and all the rest.
It was gloriously cathartic to share all this, especially with Kathy's warmth, empathetic and bright energy surrounding me as I talked and talked and talked.
I love you so much, Kathy! You are a beacon not only for me but for many here on Gaia and I am privileged to be your friend.
I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
"Hello, this is Kathy, Centria."
Right away, that professional brittle shell melted away and when she asked how I was doing, I began to pour out everything -
1) my worry about my sister who has just been diagnosed not with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, which we had thought for many years she had, but with some form or forms of
seronegative_spondyloarthropathy:
"Spondylarthropathy are inflammatory conditions affecting the spine and occasionally other joints. The condition is often characterized by back pain but the severity of the symptoms can vary greatly. Seronegative spondylarthropathy is where the blood does not have a certain antibody (rheumatoid factor) which enables it to be distinguished from rheumatoid arthritis. Examples of seronegative spondylarthropathies includes ankylosing spondylitis" (which is what a number of specialists now suspect she has.
and perhaps inflammatory_bowel_disease.
My reading on the net only makes it worse, as these are terrible diseases. She has been suffering a long time and in the wake of a second hip replacement (she's only 50) she has reacted badly.
The good news is that she is getting good medical attention by specialists and they seem to be getting to the bottom of this. But the medication is harsh and the cortizone they are using to reduce the swelling has serious side affects so they won't be able to keep using it. But the doctors tell her she should be well enough to act in her important play, Doubt,
which she has been preparing so long in between her work teaching at the Lyric School of Acting and her many other projects, directing and so on, all over.
Yes, she does a lot, and leads a very high powered life, which is part of why she is suffering so now. But it is hard for people like us to slow down or admit we are human.
Michele, my other sister Genevieve (who is at 48 studying for med school, and who did her best to offer calm in a phone conversation about Michele yesterday) and I are very different, but very much alike in certain key ways.
2) Being ill - yesterday was the third day spent entirely in bed or on the couch, with a bad cold, very sore throat, aches and deep lethargy. i didn't go to work Thursday. My body has finally rebelled after being dragged halfway around the world and back over the past months and is forcing me to rest properly.
3) Hard home truths - my sister and i had discussed my pattern of loving unavailable men, which stems from growing up with an absent, unavailable father, and trying to replicate that over and over with different kinds of unavailable. We agreed it has to stop, that I have to know myself deeply to be worth more, and only allow the "right" person, who is at least as strong as I, in. All these I know to be true. Living them is another thing altogether.
4) Gaia madness - it seems that there is more than usual pain and strangeness out there in Gaia, the darkness and fire amidst the sun and the flowers. Kathy and I talked about how it affects us, and how there is little we can do directly, but must pray and leave it to God.
5) Upcoming busyness - as summer draws to a close, I dread the intense busyness of work in high gear, preparing for the Japan conference, singing with a choir (I need to do it but it will be intense) and all the rest.
It was gloriously cathartic to share all this, especially with Kathy's warmth, empathetic and bright energy surrounding me as I talked and talked and talked.
I love you so much, Kathy! You are a beacon not only for me but for many here on Gaia and I am privileged to be your friend.
I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
Access: Public
Nicole, my Darling! My hugs to you. You are such a deeply caring person, that shows in your concern for others. At the same time I urge you to take care of yourself as well. It is easy to forget to take a moment for ourselves, when the world needs so much, and there is so much that we can do. But remember, if you burn out, and get to the point where you can no longer do anything, your light is no longer available to those who need it. Please take a long hard look at your agendas, and select a few that can wait, or be delegated.
As for your sister - with your permission, I will be sending healing light toward her, but again, only if you okay that with me first. I also want to send you my support in your becomming well again.
Hugs to you my dear friend!
(and kudos to Kathy!)
Peace
Claudia
thanks sweetie! yes, please do send your light to her. i promise to pace myself, i know i am very busy… hugs
I am definitely wishing better health and comfort for both you and your sister. What a lot to deal with!
And I agree - Kathy is awesome!
thanks Emma, fans of Kathy unite! :)
Oh my dear, what a lot for you right now. I can't imagine what you are feeling except by what you have said. I will hold you and your family and loved ones in my open heart with loving awareness.
Now I too have experience the love of Centria (Kathy) - I'm one of those people you referenced with some dark shit happening here on GAIA. And I don't like it in myself and accept the responsibility of it being my own shit. I don't want to point out my behavior as I'm sure it will be quite obvious if one happens upon the 2 or 3 blogs where I just explode. Yes, I explode. Feeling a little down about this, all of a sudden, this Saint (and I truly think she is), Kathy … well, she sends me the most loving message sort of reminding me who I am. I've come to expect that she will appear when I'm conflicted. Isn't the universe and the force which animates us all, so self correcting? I think so anyway.
Kathy is that gentle reminder that we are so much more than our problems, and that which dis-eases us. Even her unspoken presence is a force that shoos away the false appearances that conflict me. That's the only way I can describe it. See, I think she does more than pray - she jumps in with love, on both sides of the conflict, in her peaceful and centered way, and speaks such clear truth (anyway, that's how I see it), and is so allowing and spacious, that my conflict seemed to just dissipate. I think she is a great healer, a great lover of what is, and is one of the shining examples of what it means to be a human being.
Kathy - you are a teacher for me, and one I revere with emense respect and consideration. I can second what our beautiful Nicole is saying and point to you, the one who loves so greatly. Thank you for loving us and reminding us that we are loving, loveable, and love itself.
Nicole - my sister. You are the one who brings us together, in this very real stuff of ours, and in “real time,” planning meet-ups. I only hope to meet you one day, but in the meantime, I meet you everyday in my heart. I will hold you in awareness that a wonderful partner comes at your beautiful invitation to love, and offers himself to be available to journey with you in life. I really wish that for everyone. I long for it and it is happening to me right now. You are beautiful and lovely just as you are.
Oh……..my.
I was just going to sign off of Gaia and move into the day with stacking some more wood, and suddenly saw John's last activity and the words “Kathy/Centria” and almost fell off my chair.
You guys. Are awesome. (a few tears, now…..)
OK, attempting to pull it together to write a few more words…. Nicole, I LOVED talking with you last night. It wasn't a one-way street. You are awesome. As is everyone here (even Phoenix/Claudia who I haven't “officially” met yet–hi Claudia!) We are all parts of a bigger SELF and we need each other so much, even the parts of ourselves that we haven't yet reconciled or learned to love or transformed or honored. You guys ARE me. I am clear on that. We ARE each other. Just some part of ourselves hasn't remembered all the other little parts. So we just need to keep reminding ourselves…..you remind me…..I remind you…..we all remind each other. And maybe someday we won't need to remind each other anymore cuz we'll just KNOW. (except who cares about this future day, because the reminding of all of us just keeps our hearts wide open and present, doesn't it?)
I love you both so very much. I am awed by your beauty and openness, John, you never cease to amaze and humble me with the many facets of who you are. Kathy, yes, yes, yes and yes! I just want to give you both a ginormous hug and never let go. and i do, in my heart i do…
Gosh you don't know what you have done to share this Nicole… I'm not going to say anymore here. Just know that you have done a great thing for yourself and for me too by showing that you have your true challenges.
I am really so thankful to have friends here who support my path and from other places in my life as well…
Kathy you did well, responding to the call. God bless you.
Know that my prayers are with you and your family, for healing and strength and acceptance of the abundance of loving care which totally is available to us once we accept it openly.
I am with you at this time.
My blessings and love, friend, Sherri
thanks so much for your support, sherri, my dear! big hug
I'm turning my activity widget back on..open the doors..
Nico, John, Kathy, Sherri and anyone else out there that cares..
I am a little shit stirrer and i'm dealing with my own shit too..
Many big {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you Nicole
i love you lars, we care very much…
The eclipse s testing us all right now with lots and lots of issues being brought to the surface. Relationships are being tested, our health is being challenged…there is much coming in the way of changes and our bodies are trying to adapt to them and we are all at a loss as how oto deal with it all.
Opening up the lines of communication are indeed a blessing…here, by phone or email. We all need some support and those sensitive to the needs of others are answering the call…
Kathy is indeed one who reaches out and offers a kind word and listens! YAY…!!!!
There is much more stress we all will have to endure, and we need to come together to work it through….thank GOD we have the community reseources here to do so. Many others will suffer alone. There is no alone here…
blessing Nicole to you and your sister….sending lots of love.
Aley
thank God indeed! so much support here from all my angels… you understand … big love!
Aw my Nicole I had no idea my heart goes out to you and I pray and hope it gets easier and better. I'll pray for strength and rest.
And that's what's been going on? Thank you Aley I was wondering why everything was going haywire it's great to be a part of this community.
Hugs to you Nicole.
Naomi
I am here too… with what I have to offer.
All things pass - unfortuneately the good and sadly the bad.
I'm thankful for your reaching out and sharing in a time that I cannot… because it lets me know you and you're still out there.
Blessings, David
naomi and david, dear friends, thanks so much for being there. just had a good nap…. the energy and balance will return, i know they will. in the meantime i am so glad for Gaia! was IMing about it today with another friend…. i know there are other places to meet special people like all of you but for me, this is the best place to meet so many so easily and to get and stay close to each other as we go through everything in our lives.
what can we say nicole, that even if we say we are through some things, there are days that we go through it again and sometimes we do not share it with the world. i say a prayer for you and your sister and a little bit of balance and harmony in the world. love surrounds you,
samme
well, i know for myself, i never feel that i have “arrived”. i will always be a beginner, i will always struggle with certain things, especially the deepest issues. i receive your prayers and am clothed in your love and the love of all my angels… who are always right there all around when I need you all the most. Love you so much!
What I thought about all day was this: in the midst of all your challenges and difficulties and everything going on in your life with your sister and everything…..you were still able to reach out and honor a friend, as well. That's who you are, Nicole. We're so much bigger than we think we are. Yet we're also forever beginners. I am thinking of all the people on Gaia as shining stars, little pinpoints of light in the night sky. Or maybe we're all the atoms of the sun. Blessings…..and deep love……
you do the same, all the time… you give in the midst of your own doubts and challenges… we all do, all these angels, stars, atoms….
yes, we are all much, much more than we know.
do you know, dear Kathy, that seeing this is one of my biggest problems when I approach relationships? I see the tremendous potential of the man in front of me so clearly I am blind to his unsuitability for me. My hope is that understanding this will help me progress to a healthy life without a relationship until I can be in a healthy relationship at the right time.
Deep love and blessings right back to you, dearest!
Oh sweet Nic…you really touched my little heart and I am awed with your being so honest….and strong through it all….. I am very sorry about your sister and I sincerely hope she pulls through the ordeal………(God, I get so depressed when my sisters get slightly ill….so I have a clue what you are going through) and I am glad you have such a wonderful friend in Centria/Kathy……………reminds me of that song from toy story….”You have a friend in me.”
Love these words…….”And the only thing we know……. things don't always go……..The way we planned……. But you'll see every day…….That we'll never turn away………….When it seems all your dreams come undone…………We will stand by your side……..”Just want you to know you have a friend in me too….
And not sure if it will cheer you up but here is a song I listen to when the going gets a little tough……
Love you lots.
Amy
Late coming to this as I have had family visiting, and i love seing them , but with caring for Mum as well 'tis hard work, a labour of love though, they thought my Mum much improved from when they last saw her, I don't notice the changes so easily myself because it changes imperceptably and I see her every day.
My thoughts Nicole on reading your post, was though things are worrying for you, your energies are in the right direction. Your feelings are there because of the love you feel for your sister, that love is good. Your thoughts on your relationships are also a sign that you are treating yourself with love, and your sister cares, that too is good. You sound like a close knit family, that closeness and the love you share will help you all through this.
Holding you all in my thoughts and sending you big hugs and lots of love to you and yours.
Rest up, listen to your body, and get well soon. If you have a busy time coming up, remember a little stress is good, helps push us to higher levels, but check on a stress scale, too much can be counterproductive to our growth, look at delegation, time management etc and see where you can reduce stressors, be gentle with yourself..
If your sister is likely to come off the steroids soon, maybe research the natural therapies that can help for when she comes off the hard drugs, which are helpful in a crises, but do have side effects. For your sister too reducing stressors might also help her health generally, particularly the abdominal problems. Hoping things improve for you both soon,
take care. love from Zephyr
http://www.helenjarvis-aromatherapy.co.uk/stresstest.html
.
awww Amy, sweet sister mine, that Lion King video is adorable, the words are inspiring and comforting. thanks so much for empathising and standing with me.
and dear Zephyr, you are so very wise and reassuring in what you say, helping confirm me on my path. with all these people reminding me to get enough rest and make sure i don't do too much, i have a chance of keeping a balance. i will keep working on the delegating where i can, and continue to see where i can trim unnecessaries from my schedule. and keep my routine of getting days of silence and renewal in on a regular basis.
i was lax about that in July and early August, thinking that it was enough that it was summer, not taking into account the high energy expenditure with all the trips until my reserves were depleted.
my sister has been working on many natural and alternative remedies and destressors for years. regular meditation has been a godsend but she is at the point where she needs to make some serious choices about all she does, and though she really understands how necessary, it's so hard, just when things are going so well in her career finally after many years of hard work and preparation.
Thanks for the link, thanks for the love and support. Thank you, thank you, angels!
Nicole, I am glad you are feeling better, and it's awesome that Kathy found you when you needed to be found, cosmic convergence, no?
It's a shame that your sister was misdiagnosed (or mis-guessed), but the good part is that there is a correct diagnosis in place, and with that, it can only be better than a misdiagnosis.
I'm proud of you for reaching out like this, it's hard to put yourself out here.
I'm glad you slowed down enough to get better. But, you seem to have a good handle on it…which makes me even gladder.
thanks, you know, it was surprisingly easy today to write this, I didn't think long and hard about it, it just all poured out, same as when I was talking to Kathy… of course, it actually took a lot less time to write than it did for me to talk to Kathy :) she was very patient with a long conversation….
yes, i am grateful for a correct diagnosis and the intense attention of several specialists who are working hard on doing all the tests necessary to refine the diagnosis and to decide on the best treatment.
cosmic convergence, absolutely, but vital part of it is someone as open as Kathy to respond to the call…. and to do it the way only Kathy can!
hope you are well too. enjoyed your weekend?
Tom, that's really sweet of you. thanks so much for your friendship, for your caring gladness for me. love you, brother!
What a love fest i've returned to from my big city weekend away (where I had my own f2f gathering of my oldest friends) but i admit i feel a little like a voyuer. Seems an inner Gaia circle is happening among those who have bonded deeply. And for those in it, I say Yay!
And i am choosing to jump my little self right on in with warm greetings too…Choosing to continue spreading the joy, open armed, open hearted, not giving way to the shadow voices. A new part of my Boundless Living Challenge that i will post on my blog there tomorrow is to do fresh work re. my old insecurities. Being here on Gaia continues to help me heal from them.
Enough about me already, Nicole, my dear, please pardon my introspection and accept my healing thoughts!
welcome to the fest! you're as much a part of this as you wish, my friend…. come here for a big hug… love you
Cheer up with Chicane…!!!
lively!
dearest Nicole,
blessings to you and your sister… I am (t)here with you… Holding…
(((((((nicole)))))))
thank you dear one… it will be extremely busy for her the next weeks as she will be in intense rehearsals for her play. i am grateful to feel well enough to be back at work and was very productive today. still feel very vulnerable, fragile and reactive so your support is deeply appreciated. love you!
Nicole, I've been away, so I'm just reading this blog. I'm sorry to hear that you and your sister have been going through such hard times, and I hope things start looking up for you. I'm glad that Centria was there to provide comfort to you when you most needed it.
thanks so much, I know things are gonna get easier for me. i'm much more concerned about my sister, but that's out of my hands.
your support and the support of all my Gaian friends means a lot to me. i appreciate you taking the time to drop by and share. hugs
I too once again hope things get better. That's not easy. HUGS!!!Lol
((((((((((((Naomi)))))))))))!
much love to you
that is certainly a tough amount to deal with. i relate to your sister where lupus is concerned. i'm basically in the “waiting time.” i have the antibodies, but not the full blown disease yet and it is quite frightening. the doctor says i will develop it in time. however, your sister is lucky to have you because you care enough about her to worry. that alone is a wonderful thing.
How is your sister doing now, Nicole? And I'm sorry to hear, OceanQueen, about your disease…. Many blessings…..
Rachel, that's a huge challenge. Do take good care of yourself and keep me posted, ok? I will be thinking of you…
kathy, Michele is in the middle of her very successful run of the play she is acting in and desperately tired and brave about it. She was exhausted throughout the rehearsals, i literally do not know how she gets up each morning and does this. My mom is in Vancouver now, and sends us updates.
Warm love to you both!