1) Amy!

So! After meeting Gaia people here in Montreal, Toronto, NJ, LA, SF and Vancouver, I was in Toronto July 24-27 for a Professional Development session and another IAKF meeting, and had the chance to meet lovely Amy, goddess2day. She's already blogged about it, and I am tardy so - what she said lol plus...  it always fascinates me how people are who they are online, and yet you begin to discover more and more layers of their beingness when you meet them. I became much more aware of how important Amy's writing is to her, and how far along she is, having already published and being well on the way to publishing again. I am very much looking forward to reading the finished product!

2) England/Wales - my journey begins - ringing Zephyr

I left Montreal with my 11 year old daughter in tow on August 1. We were both very excited about the trip since my daughter had never traveled beyond North America, and I was looking forward to being in the UK for the third time. I spent a year in Carlisle when I was 14 years old, as my mom was an exchange teacher, and went back in 2005 for a Kumon conference.

The plane was delayed but when we got on we were delighted to have been upgraded to exec class and had a very comfortable flight. One small glitch - Arielle threw up suddenly just before we deplaned and it was a dreadful mess. But we cleaned up as best we could, the flight attendants were helpful and we sallied forth into Heathrow airport to go collect the rental car.

Driving in the UK at first was an interesting challenge and adventure. I found people drove too fast on the motorways, especially for a nervous nellie like me getting used to the different road rules etc, but we managed to find our way to Nottingham where my cousin Montio lives with her husband and two children. There we became involved in a 40th birthday party for my cousin Tienche (my mother's youngest sister Grace had six children all born in the Cameroon all of whom emigrated to the UK and Trinidad, hence the interesting names) which lasted for more than 24 hours, with only a short break of a few hours when everyone was sleeping. I kid you not. There was loud music, dancing, tons of food and about 150 people on the 1.5 acre property and in the house at the height of the party, and they didn't stop to sleep until 6 am, though of course most people trickled home over the course of the wee sma' hours...

I love my cousins, but I'm not a party person, and spent part of the party trying to sleep (impossible) and most of the time after that trying to settle the children down to sleep and keep the noise down to something manageable by closing doors. It was a great relief the next day when everyone finally left and I could settle down to proper conversations with my cousins.

Too soon though it was time to set out to my friends in Staffordshire. We got quite lost on the way but eventually arrived very late, now the evening of August 3, and enjoyed their company very much. While there, I had a lovely chat on the phone with Zephyr who had wanted to get together but whose schedule meant it was impossible... it was wonderful to connect.

My friends and I shared our love of the All Night Vespers by having a little sing along with a CD :). We also enjoyed a Bryn Terfel CD, Simple Gifts (including Amazing Grace) and a CD of David's son Simon from 1997. He had a glorious tenor voice but sadly since becoming very ill in 2004 no longer sings professionally. So tragic.

3) Hebden Bridge - Julie and Jon

Again, getting to Hebden Bridge in Yorkshire turned out to be a bit more complicated and quite a bit longer than predicted. But it helped that it was in daylight. The B and B was cosy and we settled happily for the night after having our tea at the local pub (which neither of us much enjoyed, I rather queasy about the loud conversation of the barmaid with her customers about her drinking habits, and Arielle not used to the environment or food). 

The next day, we got some time on the internet at the library and then had lunch with Julie. It was lovely to meet her, and hear her take on Gaia - she mostly participates as a member of the Integral Pod. I was interested to hear about another pod she belongs to, which is about a special technique to induce deep meditative states.

Later that day, Arielle was very happy for the opportunity to ride a pony in a private lesson.


Then we managed to find Jon's house without getting too lost :) and enjoyed a wonderful meal. Yes, Jon really talks in gloriously complex, polysyllabic language at high speed in person too :)  so most of the time, he wove his word spells and I just listened and listened in delight and somewhat of a daze (fatigue being part of the mix). Meanwhile his son was a wondrous host to Arielle, as they are almost exactly the same age... Then another night at the B and B and in the morning we were off to Cardiff.

4) Cardiff - Panwithin:

This was our longest journey of all, and I was rather apprehensive at first, but it turned out well. Even when we got lost as usual at the end :) , we managed to find our way quickly at the end with "Pan" guiding us by cell phone to where he was waiting, wreathed in smiles and bearing gifts - a delightful coffee cup full of colourful cats and a beautiful book on London architecture. We got some sightseeing in, then checked into the hotel and ate our first meal there. Then it was time to settle Arielle in and drop him back to his place.

The next day, we got to see lovely Penarth, the Science Museum, one of the local castles


and the Doctor Who exhibit... Along the way, I had had quite enough of trying to drive in the UK and gratefully gave over the driving to someone who knew what he was doing, and thinking of the difficulties of getting to London and Essex, worked out a plan whereby we could travel together until I returned the rental car and was back at Heathrow, and he would take a bus back to Cardiff. Now I could really relax!

 We'd wanted to get to the fairy tale castle and the cathedral but time did not permit. Time is so fluid... goes so quickly when you are happy. I had found a real friend who was just the kind, supportive, flexible and humorous travel companion Arielle and I could deeply appreciate after all our stresses together up to then. There is no substitute for a good friend in need., a friend in deed

5) August 9 - Global Gaia Day  - London meeting - Zannie:

Out of sheer desperation, we decided on the National History Museum as a meeting place for the London Gaia meet, as I'd received 5 RSVPs and people had no idea where to meet us. It was a truly English day, pouring rain as I stood in front of the Museum, Gaia meet sign in hand, and Pan and Arielle off on the London sightseeing bus tour. Zannie was right there with umbrella in hand (I had given mine to Arielle) and we waited for a few minutes in the rain, beginning to chat. We eventually realised no one else would come and went inside to the restaurant.

We noticed how amusingly easy it was to miscommunicate, even though we were both so intent on clarity. In fact, she is a facilitator trained in clean language.

This was especially ironic when I went back to put money into the parking meter again (which turned out to be unnecessary) and came back to find that we had apparently understood two different meeting up places afterward, as I could not find her. But we still had a great time. She is a special person.

6) Denouement

I waited quietly at the museum until the others came back from the bus tour, which was a mixed success - fascinating but very wet :) My cousin's house in Essex turned out to be one of the most difficult places to figure out how to reach, and I was more glad than ever to have someone else driving, and another adult to confer with at times of doubt. Then the usual family chaos, one more night and the trip to Heathrow, again much longer than anticipated. We got the bus ticket and the boarding passes, said our goodbyes and then home again.

Goodbyes are challenging, especially with so many great friends. But I hope that we will meet again sometime and in the meantime there are many treasured memories of the most intense part so far of my magical mystery Gaia tour.

Yesterday as I was chatting with my dear friend victoria, she told me about a workshop her friend Julian is giving in conjunction with Anant Jesse



I fiind it fascinating and plan to go.

 Any Montrealers care to join me there? Here's some info from Anant's website:

A Return to the Soul With musical and creative elements woven throughout, this half-day workshop lays out self-transformative tools and techniques while venturing into the territory of ritual and ceremony, opening the door to a direct experience of truth, flow and self-expression.

Together we will create a space of learning and sharing, a journey of exploration and self-discovery. It is our intention that all will leave with the sense of ‘primordial confidence’ that comes from connecting to the source of empowerment each of us carries inside ourselves. By combining elements of yoga, journaling and live music, we will raise energy and evoke insight…. Who are we when we are connected to our most empowered selves? What creates that connection? What sustains it? What tools do we have to carry that spark forward into the details of daily life? Those looking for a hands-on approach to spearhead their personal journey will find a soulful framework within which to work. Teachers, therapists and experienced practitioners of yoga and other contemplative arts will find a vividly human context to hold and re-frame their practices. A light and beautiful vegetarian lunch is included in the workshop. In collaboration with Julian Giacomelli.

Date: 08/24/08

Time: 10 AM  to 2:30 PM Place: Rad'a Centre, 841 Rue Gilford

Cost: $65 (includes fresh vegetarian lunch) To register: email juliang@videotron.ca or call (514) 448-4642

Recording artist, counselor and teacher, Anant Jesse has performed for hundreds of thousands of people in venues ranging from stadiums to yoga centers. His work has appeared in film, radio and television, including feature segments on network channels such as MTV and VH1. He has collaborated and performed with Bakithi Kamalo (Paul Simon) Steve Gorn, Deva Premal, Prem Joshua and was production team member for the critically acclaimed remix project “Pipes of Pan At Joujouka released by Phillip Glass’ label Looking Glass. Anant was also co-founder of Los Angeles based band Dramarama, with whom he recorded and toured extensively. The storybook success that the group experienced has been detailed in the film "Mayor Of The Sunset Strip", as well as a recent VH1 Bands Reunited episode.

Alongside his projects in music and media Anant maintains his life-long commitment to the transformational and healing arts. He has led Creative Alchemy self-discovery workshops internationally, motivating, inspiring and educating with a dynamic sense of humor and unsinkable energy. For information about Creative Alchemy an Spiritual Therapeutics, click here.

He has been trained in diagnostics and macrobiotics by Shizuko Yamamoto and Michio Kushi, for whom he acted as personal scribe for patients with terminal illnesses.   As a teenager in the late 1970’s, he was one of only several young westerners to be trained in sanskrit and Kashmir Shaivism by the late Swami Muktananda and since then has spent upwards of nine years in India studying traditional and contemporary methods of self-development. A native New Yorker now based in Montreal, Quebec, Anant teaches spiritual therapeutics at the NHC Institute of Montreal, maintains a private practice and continues to record and perform internationally.

Last night, I had reached a new low, even for this week, which has had unexpected challenges. I was lying on the couch, miserable. The phone rang, and the number was unfamiliar, so I answered it professionally, thinking it could be some International association member, or prospective member (feeling, oh please no, I am not up to work right now).

"Hello, this is Kathy, Centria."

Right away, that professional brittle shell melted away and when she asked how I was doing, I began to pour out everything -

1) my worry about my sister who has just been diagnosed not with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, which we had thought for many years she had, but with some form or forms of
seronegative_spondyloarthropathy:

"Spondylarthropathy are inflammatory conditions affecting the spine and occasionally other joints. The condition is often characterized by back pain but the severity of the symptoms can vary greatly. Seronegative spondylarthropathy is where the blood does not have a certain antibody (rheumatoid factor) which enables it to be distinguished from rheumatoid arthritis. Examples of seronegative spondylarthropathies includes ankylosing spondylitis" (which is what a number of specialists now suspect she has.

and perhaps inflammatory_bowel_disease.

My reading on the net only makes it worse, as these are terrible diseases. She has been suffering a long time and in the wake of a second hip replacement (she's only 50) she has reacted badly.

The good news is that she is getting good medical attention by specialists and they seem to be getting to the bottom of this. But the medication is harsh and the cortizone they are using to reduce the swelling has serious side affects so they won't be able to keep using it. But the doctors tell her she should be well enough to act in her important play, Doubt,
which she has been preparing so long in between her work teaching at the Lyric School of Acting and her many other projects, directing and so on, all over.

Yes, she does a lot, and leads a very high powered life, which is part of why she is suffering so now. But it is hard for people like us to slow down or admit we are human.

Michele, my other sister Genevieve (who is at 48 studying for med school, and who did her best to offer calm in a phone conversation about Michele yesterday) and I are very different, but very much alike in certain key ways.

2) Being ill - yesterday was the third day spent entirely in bed or on the couch, with a bad cold, very sore throat, aches and deep lethargy. i didn't go to work Thursday. My body has finally rebelled after being dragged halfway around the world and back over the past months and is forcing me to rest properly.

3) Hard home truths - my sister and i had discussed my pattern of loving unavailable men, which stems from growing up with an absent, unavailable father, and trying to replicate that over and over with different kinds of unavailable. We agreed it has to stop, that I have to know myself deeply to be worth more, and only allow the "right" person, who is at least as strong as I, in. All these I know to be true. Living them is another thing altogether.

4) Gaia madness - it seems that there is more than usual pain and strangeness out there in Gaia, the darkness and fire amidst the sun and the flowers. Kathy and I talked about how it affects us, and how there is little we can do directly, but must pray and leave it to God.

5) Upcoming busyness - as summer draws to a close, I dread the intense busyness of work in high gear, preparing for the Japan conference, singing with a choir (I need to do it but it will be intense) and all the rest.

It was gloriously cathartic to share all this, especially with Kathy's warmth, empathetic and bright energy surrounding me as I talked and talked and talked.

I love you so much, Kathy! You are a beacon not only for me but for many here on Gaia and I am privileged to be your friend.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

emma got me going on the 29-day_giving_challenge,
which for me has become an on-going meditation on
what giving means in my life, and what each moment
 is asking of me, in terms of giving.

For me, it is much more important to live the challenge
than talk specifically about what I have given through it,
but interestingly enough, I have been hearing a call to
give a lot to myself, as I had worn myself out and have
spent the past two weeks being ill then depressed.
So I have been, as well as giving more time and
attention than usual to my daughter and those around
me, nurturing myself until I am fully well in body, mind and spirit.

So, with this in my mind and heart, early this morning
I was chatting with a Gaian friend, and casually
mentioned that the way our world is is a reflection
of who we are inside collectively. For some reason,
I began to pour out details of my understanding of that -
that everything we see in the fabricated world reflects the
glory of the heights of human beauty and creativity as well
as the depths of selfishness, hatred and destructiveness.

My friend asked if it is the fault of an individual that there is war.
 I explained that I and every other "I" am responsible for the
running of my life. I am responsible for my choices and
what comes of those. I am not then responsible for the
choices others make, but because we are all one,
everything we do affects each other.

As I think further on the ramifications of this, i know that
who and what I am, and the choices I make, are reflected clearly in my life

 - in small ways, by the appearance and condition of my house/car,
their contents, and grounds (rather scruffy lawn,
gardens and driveway, very very messy basement appropriately,
being an accurate reflection of my unconscious mind),

- in larger ways, in the ways that my children are that are
an outcome of who I am and the choices i have made
in how I have brought them up and modeled life for them,
in the way I run my learning centre and the international association
and in all that i do and say and am in the relationships i have with people i know.

- And at the root of all, how i see myself, and how i relate to God.

This is my world. You have your world. Each of us has a world
where "I" rule and create either a heaven or a hell,
where the outer reflects the inner.

If each of us were to love and accept all the parts of ourself,
 including all our shadow elements, if each of us were
to love and accept and treat with respect and love everyone
in our life and our thoughts, and live a life of peace and love
in our work and mission, the whole world would be at peace.

It is not, because very few of us are truly at peace within ourselves.
Most of us are very broken and conflicted inside.
I am very broken and conflicted inside as well as having
many tremendous gifts and skills. There are parts of me I struggle
to love and cherish and as a consequence there are people
I have difficulty loving and respecting, and with whom I often run into conflict.
The outer relationships reflect the inner relationship.

As a Kumon instructor, I often hear the company talking about
bringing world peace through Kumon. This seems crazy, but there
is a sense in which it could help. If we as instructors learn
the right lessons from Kumon, in terms of living
a peaceful and self-disciplined life and consistently working
toward living our full potential, and model and seek to instil these in our students,
we are participating in the movement toward world peace.

But I understand more clearly than usual that to be truly effective,
I must exert my greatest efforts toward world peace in the realm
over which I have the greatest amount of control - myself, and my world.
 The more successful I am in my world,
 the better a model and a light I will be,
and the more authentic and effective I will be
in my relationships and in my work and mission.

There is nothing new in any of what I have written,
but it seemed important to me to write today,
and if it helps any of you who read it, I am glad.

Nearly two weeks ago, I blogged about my dear victoria's invitating me to her friend Julian's workshop, which happened yesterday at the Rad'a centre in Montreal, a lovely yoga space with the headquarters for the delightful ascent magazine above it on the second floor.

I was very ready for the workshop after being ill then depressed and doing a lot of thinking and deep processing recently (see also here for more background on what's been happening in my world).

As soon as I stepped into the space, I felt the peace and welcoming of it:

"rad’a offers a unique space that fosters personal growth and reflection... In this sacred space, community is supported and all spiritual traditions are valued. Wood floors and brick walls create a warm ambiance, and big windows overlooking the cityscape are a reminder of the contemporary world we live in."

 

---

1) Entering the sacred space:

We were about 20 participants, including David, a Gaian I had met at one of our Montreal Meets. It was good to see him again, and catch up a bit. Also, Victoria, I delivered that hug to Julian for you :) and he sends you his warm love and best wishes in all of your wonderful challenges, and sincere thanks for sending me and David along to his workshop.

 We listened to meditative music and waited in a circle to begin each on a comfortable backjack, (which was new to me, a cushion with good backrest built in):


then Anant got us started by drumming a beat for us, inviting us to snap along then clap our hands. Once he had our full attention and the introductions were complete, Julian led us in a series of basic yoga asanas, till we were completely in our breathing, contemplating being filled by light and seeing the light fill the universe.

2) Returning to the Soul:

What an awesome receptive place we were in, then, to begin our voyage within! We took time to write down in our journaling booklets some impressions of being in the light, and then wrote some goals in our hearts and goals on our mind.

Our own heart always exceeds us. Rainer Maria Rilke (these quotes are sprinkled through the journaling booklet)

Explore daily the will of God. C.G. Jung

We went on to learn about how the "ego's main tendency became a substitute for a lost quality of Essence. In this way, the personality contains the key to our specific dilemma" Lynette Sheppard

The Enneagram (of Ego) with Riso-Hudson Type Names 

here for an overview of Enneagram

here to find your type/wing

Once we had done some thinking and exploration about what trait each of us most resonated with, we wrote about some of the basic dynamics between us and our parents from our infancy, and thought about how they might have led to the development of that particular ego strategy.

I found myself relatively easily (and not surprisingly to any of my friends :) ) to be The Helper:

here for a detailed description of Type Two

"Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel love"

I also readily saw how that grew out of extended separation from both parents in early childhood, leading to strategies of over-helpfulness and becoming indispensible, so that I would not be abandoned again.

3) Moving into Unlimited Space:

We were then invited to connect again with our unlimited being of light, where I meditated on things like being able to love and cherish myself, being alone, having better boundaries, saying no or later, saying goodbye, not feeling abandoned and needy and in lack.

The Soul... fire cannot burn it, water cannot wet it, wind cannot dry it, weapons cannot cleave it. It's ancient, it's unborn, it never dies. Bhagwad Gita

All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life. M.C. Richards.

Julian discussed with us the garden of our life, the things we will need to keep in place to keep it flourishing - including

preparation
planning
awareness/observation
planting seeds of intention
breathwork
mindful exercise (seeing how the ego works)
study
journaling (blogging)
contemplation
meditation
walking
rest/renewal - creating space/time
purification
shadow work
visualisation

Discipline
Surrender

In the heart of difficulty lies opportunity - Albert Einstein.

4) Afterwards

Before I left, I discussed with Julian one practical issue that emerged for me - needing to do yoga. He recommended a friend of his, Yasmin, who does yoga classes close to my area - I think at the Centre Holistique OM West - so I've just left a message, hoping to join a class there.

It's hard to describe the effect that this workshop had on me. I felt as if I walked out of there into a spaciousness of heart, mind and time. At first, the sharp pain of abandonment and loss that I began to experience as I reconnect to my infant self persisted below the surface, but there was also a sense of lightness, freedom, mixed with a deep fatigue - it was a lot of work!

I went home to discover that my daughter's team had won their soccer finals, so after a long and deep conversation with my cousin in the UK about my explorations, we went out to supper, my daughter, my ex-partner and I.

In parenthesis, I have struggled for years to let go of this relationship, so have been in an endless merry-go-round of breaking up and geting back together. In the past few months, I have tried this middle ground of being "friends" with intermittent intimacy, but after the workshop and seeing clearly during dinner how possessive he still is though I have tried to draw clearer and clearer boundaries, I told him after we got back from the restaurant that I wanted him to go back to his apartment then and, after a long, pleasant chat with a Gaia friend, I called him to explain that it's really not working.

Neither of us really believes yet that this is truly goodbye, after so many good-byes that have been reversed into "I want  you to help me with __"s.

So, like an alcoholic, I move forward into a "dry" day, and say to myself, "Today, I know I can be alone." I am not trying to know more than that.

I feel peaceful, relaxed, open. It may not be different, but it feels like a new place.

My very good friend Faye called this morning to say that our long-awaited weekend together starting Friday was not going to happen. I was disappointed, a bit, but over-ridingly I knew it was ok, and was able just to listen to her, her anger at her husband for sabotaging it, her pain, and just be there for her. When she had to go before we had really talked things through, I was again a bit disappointed, but content to go deep into writing this blog, which has taken a lot of time but been satisfying and good to write.

Love to you all...

Hey, if you haven't checked out the new Questions & Reflections: The Group
please do - already over 80 members and just been around a day! Wheee!

So, I tried to put my picture but I know, I know it never works from email so...

i'm not, most emphatically not, a gardener, and so I have many wild flowers and weeds on my property. i decided to take a picture of some that i find very lovely on my new Blackberry Curve, which has a much better camera than my old BB...




for me, it is a metaphor for my life - chaotic in places but full of unexpected beauty if you look at it right...