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November 2009 
Why "whatever" doesn't work, or expectations
Posted on Jul 5th, 2008
by 
Nicole
Nicole
I've been reflecting lately on the way that a friendship that is not really just a friendship but not really anything more... can be a form of limbo. Not a place one wants to hang out for long.
What is it that makes it difficult?
I've decided it mostly has to do with expectations, with attitudes.
A new motto for me, perhaps: "Attitude is everything.".
Because, you know, life is really, really awesome for me right now. It has never been better, richer, more exciting, more full of cool surprises and serendipity.
My Kumon afterschool math and reading learning centre is flourishing, new students enrolling one after another. Students are going away with their holiday packages too so the pace is quieter and more relaxed.
The International_association of Kumon Franchisees, of which I am the president, is growing apace, and the regional meetings all over North America are enjoyable, motivating and give me opportunities to travel extensively this summer and meet many of my Gaian friends. Plus, I am very excited about my vacation in Scotland in only a month (where does the time go?) and the big trip to Japan in early December for the Kumon 50th Anniversary International conference.
I have been busily booking tickets for these trips and travel accommodations, and at the same time have had lots and lots of time to visit with my Gaian friends and other friends online, on the phone and in person. And to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine - heading off in a few minutes to the Montreal jazzfest
Church is smooth. My children are well, doing fine and happy. The mortgage is paid off, I get a weekly massage, life is so good!
So, the only small glitch has been not being in a relationship. Surely not a big deal. But if you have expectations on a friendship that may just be a friendship it can cause so much roller coasterness when all you want to do is savour and delight in each moment.
So, how do we escape the feeling that love stinks?
How about learning just to enjoy what is?
How about being happy when you are with a friend and happy when you are alone, when you can drink in the silence?
How about accepting each person where he or she is without needing him or her to be different?
How about facing each day as a new and tremendous adventure? As a "present" to be opened with joy and anticipation, enjoying each serendipity that happens along?
How about being open to friendships with or without benefits, whatever that means, no questions asked, no pressure?
Thank U!
What is it that makes it difficult?
I've decided it mostly has to do with expectations, with attitudes.
A new motto for me, perhaps: "Attitude is everything.".
Because, you know, life is really, really awesome for me right now. It has never been better, richer, more exciting, more full of cool surprises and serendipity.
My Kumon afterschool math and reading learning centre is flourishing, new students enrolling one after another. Students are going away with their holiday packages too so the pace is quieter and more relaxed.
The International_association of Kumon Franchisees, of which I am the president, is growing apace, and the regional meetings all over North America are enjoyable, motivating and give me opportunities to travel extensively this summer and meet many of my Gaian friends. Plus, I am very excited about my vacation in Scotland in only a month (where does the time go?) and the big trip to Japan in early December for the Kumon 50th Anniversary International conference.
I have been busily booking tickets for these trips and travel accommodations, and at the same time have had lots and lots of time to visit with my Gaian friends and other friends online, on the phone and in person. And to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine - heading off in a few minutes to the Montreal jazzfest
Church is smooth. My children are well, doing fine and happy. The mortgage is paid off, I get a weekly massage, life is so good!
So, the only small glitch has been not being in a relationship. Surely not a big deal. But if you have expectations on a friendship that may just be a friendship it can cause so much roller coasterness when all you want to do is savour and delight in each moment.
So, how do we escape the feeling that love stinks?
How about learning just to enjoy what is?
How about being happy when you are with a friend and happy when you are alone, when you can drink in the silence?
How about accepting each person where he or she is without needing him or her to be different?
How about facing each day as a new and tremendous adventure? As a "present" to be opened with joy and anticipation, enjoying each serendipity that happens along?
How about being open to friendships with or without benefits, whatever that means, no questions asked, no pressure?
Thank U!
Access: PublicTagged with: thanku, alanismorissette, lovestinks, jgeils, joy, anticipation, serendipity, adventure, silence, relationship
Nicole,
I have to say this - your point is a good one. I suppose the problem is that logic and emotion don't always intersect cleanly. I was watching the TV show Heroes yesterday and this conversation happened:
Linderman: You see, I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.
Nathan Petrelli: I'd like to think I have both.
Linderman: Can't be done. The two have very different paths. You see, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. No thoughts of what's gone before, and no thought of what's ahead. But, a life of meaning… A man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.
Maybe the problem is that we want to live a life of meaning and therefore the potential loss scares people. If we could truly live in the moment, then a life of meaning wouldn't happen, but it also would not matter.
Nicole, I vote for the love stinks option.
Rederick, I've thought about that before.
The problem is that I like meaning too much.
Nic and Red, I feel your pain, but I think it comes down to satisfaction with self firstly. It is unfortunate when you do have so much on your beautious plate but still you feel lack at all. But it happens to everyone I think. The issue lies in the acceptance that you have enough, you are enough, you do enough and don't need more. Were you in lack, you would literally show signs of being deficient - think natural human systems. :D
The next thought that comes to mind is around what message you give out when you feel like you are in lack of some sort… it doesn't really generate the greatest energy to bring the optimal relationships in…!
Regarding the choice between being happy and living with meaning, it is also unfortunate that this is considered mutually exclusive. Gosh, the happiest sensations I've felt have been when what I was doing was useful to the people I was doing it for! Where I sought to have quick, short term gratification, it wasn't fulfilling. So more meaningful tasks had to come in ultimately.
My advice, Nicole, is to not see this relationship as anything more than one of many possible WONDERFUL alternatives available to you in this big, BIG world, and to open your heart to the possiblities. They really don't have to be romantic possibilities either. Just be open to experiences, period, and you very well might find that someone who shares your passions and is similiarly open to experience life [and ISN'T in a state of lack!], sneaks up on you.
Just consider letting go to possibilities… after all, there's nothing to lose, and ever so much to possibly gain.
Hope this helps out just a little. Best of luck and blessings to you.
sherri
I know it would be best to look at the solutions to the W problem, but I feel compelled to explain more of why people choose and then attempt to function in a W—the infamous “whatever” (as we have defined it). Here are some of them:
1) One or both may secretly want an R (relationship) because they’re scared shitless. Why? Because they're caught in the past…they’ve been hurt–or hurt someone else–before and don’t want it to happen again. Or, they're too fearful of/focused on outcomes (way beyond expectations) and spent too much time in future thinking. What if…what if? they ask, and catastrophize…
2) One or both people have deep fear of intimacy/commitment/abandonment issues (due to their childhood, etc.) , and they’re really good at talking about/analyzing them; perhaps that’s what brought them together as friends in the first place—great communication skills. The problem is—they know each other's shit/fears so well and care so much about each other that the fears described in #1 are even more intense than for the average people meeting randomly. They say things like: “Well, if you tend to do this…and I tend to do that, then chances are X could happen. And I would never want either of us to be hurt that way.” It becomes impossible to move past that place of stuckness and then whatever they've had (which was potentially great) may get diluted in analysis or lost in the sauce of fear. Things are not able to flow naturally…
3) They feel pressure to know, quite early on, if the other person is potentially “IT” (their soulmate, etc.) and this creates tremendous pressure, especially if they’re Gaians. There are enough stories of “I knew within the first week,” etc. that make people wonder if they should also be so quick to recognize “the one.” But what happens when it doesn’t happen that way (and we know that quite often, a soulmate scenario takes real time to happen), one of the people may question the feelings they’re “supposed to be having” (and missing the fantastic ones they are actually having) and think—“Well, maybe he/she’s not “it,” so…..” and then they feel guilty. They might think–“If you don’t know (or have a few doubts), should you be pursuing anything at all—W, included?”
4) They're not comfortable with the idea of relationships as a “place to learn/grow,” sometimes as preparation for a future one. If it seems like an R would be “one of those,” one person might get hung up on the idea of it eventually ending (even though it might not)….or the idea that they're “being used” (by whom or what is not clear). They somehow get caught up in either/or thinking…
5) One or both have simply lost faith in Rs; they see friendship as something that lasts and romance as something that most often doesn’t. They have great respect/admiration for each other and they just don’t want to jump into the murky waters of an R; instead, they choose the murky waters of a W.
And guess what? It can be just as murky and can suck, too. And one or both can get hurt.
As for solutions, I think everyone here has contributed some great ones. (Thanks, Nicole, for opening up this dialogue.) As we've seen, it often comes down to living in (not for) the moment and being as happy as you can with yourself…and being open to the “present” of the other person and day-to-day life in general. If it naturally flows into an R, then it's meant to be one. If not, then it wasn't…
I like the picture….the other stuff is too complicated.
Nicole, I agree that not having expectation is one of the big keys. Easier said than done! I also think that generally (from what I've witnessed in you) that you're very good about accepting each person where he or she is without needing him or her to be different. Maybe when it gets to the arena of desiring a relationship that this gets shaky for you. ?? Anyway, blessings to you dear one, as you navigate through these murky waters. You'll do fine. :)
I hear you, Maze, but unfortunately many of us single folks living in today's crazy world find ourselves in some of these complicated situations. :)
All of you have made some good points. I think that in order to have any kind of relationship (whether it's an “R” or “W”), it's necessary to get out of one's head and be more in touch with one's feelings. Instead of anal(yzing) the status of the relationship and creating what-ifs in one's mind, one should stay in the present and enjoy what is going on in the moment. Why spend time worrying about how the relationship will end before i'ts really had a chance to grow and develop. Just enjoy the relationship as it is, and let whatever happens happen–without any expectations. When one loves, there is always the possibility of being hurt, but that is not a good reason to avoid loving.
(note to self - try to avoid blogging so provocatively just before disappearing for rest of day)
Thanks , dearest ones. I was jazzfesting till lateish so while i could call up your delightful responses on my blackberry, I couldn't respond.
Eric: you see, I don't think we have to choose between happiness and meaning. i try to be in the present, and present to those with me, as much as possible - but when i am alone, blogging, commenting and posting to groups on Gaia, meditating in my bed or out in nature, or wherever - i process, process, process. that's where the meaning of all those now moments comes in.
Ben: if love stinks works for you, i'm happy! it doesn't work for me though, as you know. and i find your quest for meaning laudable. do you find it incompatible with being in the moment? cause it seems you are good at that too.
Sherri: I agree quite a bit but would frame it somewhat differently. First, in terms of contentment and self-acceptance, akin to what Andrew Cohen calls “self-delight” (not a Cohenite by any means, but some of his ideas intrigue me). I know I am enough and that I do enough (or too much lol). But a part of me still longs to make that deeper connection with another, not because I am incomplete without it, but because it is important to me.
The energy I give out when I feel I am in lack? Well, that's a moot point too, not one I choose to dwell on though.
I too am happiest when living with meaning and blessed with a life full of meaning. I think of Jesus' saying “My food is to do the will of Him who sent me.” I can be feeling sad or dispirited, but being able to be there for people and doing whatever i need to do in the moment will perk me up right away, and give me perspective and joy.
I assure you, I do see this friendship as just one of many possibilities. Yet at the same time it is the one that interests me the most in a sense right now, so I am content to give it more time to explore until we know. Thanks! Hugs
Lisa - you've done very well in thinking things through and are quite right. All those are possible - wanting a relationship, getting stuck in analysis, feeling pressure to know if it's a soulmate, not comfortable with relationships being for learning and growing, losing faith in relationships… there are many ways to suffer because of being attached to ideas and ways of looking at your life and others. We humans are very inventive and very good at suffering. I have been very good at suffering like most of us. I'm ready to stop now, though, and to work on freedom and delight instead of attachment and suffering. Easier said than done eh? My hope is that all those who feel stuck in or drawn to one or other form of suffering will in time find resolution, of the sort that works for them. I know that my way will not be attractive, interesting or even perceived as possible for all.
Tom: glad you like the picture. I enjoyed the peace and openness of it, and the fact it's a path. It seemed to fit beautifully the theme I am pondering. The rest is very complicated. One of the great things about being married, as you are, is that you have long left behind all the agonising that can go with being not married and in and out of relationships, friendships that are questioning and whatevers. As bad as my marriage was, I was very very happy while married not to be dealing with that stuff.
Kathy: you're right, I'm good at accepting others, find it harder when accepting them means accepting that they may not be embracing something very important to me - like how I feel about them etc. But I am learning and it feels so good, so right. I do feel confident “all manner of thing shall be well” here for a blog where i was working on this in relation to another so thank you for your vote of confidence! Hugs
Lisa: absolutely! Mega hugs.
Lenore: beautiful drawing together of what the others said, and I like what you say too about getting out of your head and being in touch with feelings. I do try to be more heart than head centred in my life, not worrying about how a relationship might end prematurely, allowing things to develop. I agree wholeheartedly that it is better to love and lose than not to love at all. I have learned so much from each of my very few heart-ties, and am grateful to each person I have loved for what he has taught me.
Nice to see you again, dear Nicole!
if love stinks works for you, i'm happy! it doesn't work for me though, as you know.
Oh, I don't know what works for me. I was just being silly. I must admit though that life is so much simpler as a bachelor. I have very little desire to be in a relationship right now.
and i find your quest for meaning laudable. do you find it incompatible with being in the moment? cause it seems you are good at that too.
I'd say I'm better at being in the moment than most people. I have very little sense of time. I'd be happy as a lark if I could live without clocks or schedules. I focus on what interests me in the moment and I follow my curiosity where ever it leads.
As I see it, being in the moment has absolutely nothing to do with whether one is focused on thoughts or sensations. One's thoughts can be in the present, and one can focus on past or future sensations. Meaning can be found in the moment. In fact, I've found meaning in the moment so deeply that I became lost in the moment.
Yes, that is what I suspected! you always seems so spontaneous and in the moment, whether being delightfully silly or very serious or…
following your curiosity, your bliss :)
it's true, you can get lost in a moment! isn't it awesome? happened to me a lot at the jazzfest, listening to certain songs and enjoying all the sensations of the moment - the crowd listening intently, the blue blue sky above, the warm sun, my friend standing with me, close by… it was all so very good. tov me'od, as my friend yaffa would say :) (means very good in Hebrew)
Heartfelt! I love the way you worded the feelings from your heart.
I love this. “How about accepting each person where he or she is without needing him or her to be different?”
And this: ”How about being open to friendships with or without benefits, whatever that means, no questions asked, no pressure?”
Oh heck, I love everything you wrote.
Does Love stinks? It sucks too….for a lot of lovely people I know….but it sure is sweetly fragrant for many others including myself….so there is hope. Hmm?
And Nic, you seem to give so much time and love to all those who crosses your path, so I have this feeling, true love will find you soon and it will bloom on like an immortal rose.
Amy :-)
it's interesting, i have an opportunity to practice my new discipline - after not seeing him all weekend cause he was out of town (I was out of town last weekend so with one thing and another it's been thin indeed), about 5 minutes after we started chatting, before we had time to catch up at all, he saw that his other online friend was online and went to talk with her. i cheerily said bye and have been busy catching up with my Gaia friends since, and even getting some work done.
another important mantra - “it's all good”
it really, really is, Amy. and I love what you write too. I was talking about how cool you are last night on the phone to Andrew, because he was saying how much he loved your comment about how American I was feeling, flying the Canadian flag on July 4th! LOLOL!
Love you, Amy! Can't wait till the 25th… where the heck are we going out to supper anyway? Do you have a favourite spot that is not too busy cause we won't know numbers probably till the last minute. Any RSVPs to you yet?
Hey there everyone and especially (obviously) Nicole… what a group of insightful commentors you've gathered here.
And what a great blog to comment on…
As you know perspective and attitude amount to everything!
Love the musical links - snapshots from great artists telling their (our) story in the moment.
Mostly I just wanted notice if this discussion goes on.
Moments come and go - both literally and with my focus/intent.
I'm intrigued to ponder the comment by rederick.
Are happiness and meaning truly unable to cohabit a life? Somehow reminds me of the saying, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”
Blessings, David
Thanks, Nicole……and Lol, yes…I remember it…..you proudly flying the Canadian Flag and me deliberately seeing it as a “Happy A-Merry-Can day” Very smart of Andrew :-)
On our exciting meetup….there are a bunch of cool restaurants complete with outdoor patios on KIng Street running all the way from John to Peter streets… Off the top of my head….there is the The Red Tomato, Lexy Lounge, Fred's not here…Bryan Adams not here…lol…okay…tell you what, I will pick a few restaurants and email you the address and details…
Yes. One RSVP. Liza will make it…and I am waiting for one more Torontonian to respond…and then we are 'go'.
Yay~ why don't you just make an executive decision and tell us what you want, ok Amy?
And thanks, David, it's good to have one of my favourite Gaian Davids (so many of you and all so different! lol) drop by. especially with your great insight.s We can be happy and right - as long as we are quiet about being right! LOL.
I would like to talk to Eric again, soon, about happiness and meaning. to see how he responds to sherri and me, and after pondering for a bit longer.
Wow. Gaia works in strange and wondrous ways….when you need to hear something, she'll answer.
I've been struggling lately with a similar situation. I was in an R until he decided that he'd prefer to be W….this has happened twice now and I am at a loss as to what to do, if anything.
And then I joined the God Pod, then I started checking out Nicole's profile, then I came across this blog and voila! I really found MorningStar's explanation to be very helpful. I think that describes our situation perfectly. I'm trying so hard to understand where he's coming from (totally from a place of fear)….
Thanks everyone for this great discussion!
Johanna
Gee, thanks Nic. Abso-cool-lutely. One executive decision coming up.
Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe, hatch a tiger by the …oops… catch our dinner by its toes…from where????
The Red Tomato, Zazou, Timon, Pumba, Lexy Lounge, Amy Lounge, Urban, Verona, Menage, Forget About It, Dhaba Indian Cusine, Marcels, Joes' Mama, Amy's Papa,
(Note to self: these restaurants better pay me big bucks to advertise their names on Nicole's blog ;-)
So Eenie-Meenie-here I go… If it hollers, don't let it go….Eenie-Meenie- Fred's not here…Amy's here…. Eenie-Meenie- Forget About it, here we go.
Okay…all that chanting for nothing… hocus, pocus, Amy Focus…
and Ta Da !!!
I pick Verona Ristorante !!!!
Okay. Verona Ristorante it is. 5:00 pm and onward is great for me.
Address is: 335 King Street West. Toronto, On. M5V 1J5 in case you need to GPS or mapquest…
Keep in mind our mood for food…once we get at this location….we could always change our minds…and just eat next door… or next door to that next door to that next door ad infinitum…or so it appears on King street. lol
Perfect Amy! Thanks so much I will be there! Yes, King is amazing for restaurants, I know.
Johanna, I'm so glad this helped you. It's great to have you in the God Pod too. All the best with your W… hugs
And better and more wonderful things are still in store for you Nicole which you deserve and more. Happy journey ahead and fun times with friends and new friends and wonderful conversations. You are spreading the love!
Samme
Oh shoot I have two tabs open with both your blogs on it Nicole. I thought the comment I made above was for the other blog for your travel to SF and to LA. That comment above is for your good times ahead in LA. : ) sorry, silly me
samme
this is perfect samme! love you!
Want to add reflections of Ralf Waldo Emerson:
friendship
See it the same way. Some ruthless aspects are involved in it. As in Love. I see it the same way as Andrew Cohen too.- There is no unconditional love. There is no unconditional friendship. The freedom lies in the perspective , not in emotions, however strong they might be.
As long as authentic self isnt aproached in two or more people. or as far….every peak will fade earlier or later. The fire from inside which is nothing else as the continued transformation in all its heat, tension and friction, fire and light.
These ingredients are necessary. Otherwise drama is lurking and will manifest at a moment when nobody is thinking of it. It wil come through the backdoors or directly.
This the real edge of true friendship. Even of every form of communication and communion.
thanks albert.
i on the other hand believe in unconditional love
i believe there are many kinds of friendship and most of them are good…
i have many different very good friends
what i am trying to talk about here is something more flexible. yes it will change over the years… but there are pulls toward more than friendship and i need to know what to do with them.
What to do with otheres is always reflecting ones relationship to authentic self. And this has its own rude moments. Simply based on the broad spectrum of ego facettes. Nothing personal about it.
So the elaborations Ralf Waldo Emerson makes demonstrate the deepest understanding of friendship in ALL forms for me.
Regarding Unconditional love:
While I can feel limitless connections..in a concrete situation, as Andrew Cohen says:
When Jack the Ripper or an otherwise crazy guy will threaten my circles I wil take him down. Maybe even kill him. As far as my possibilites allow me. The Bilbic saying of ioffering your other cheek when beaten isnt acccepted by me.
unconditional love doesn't mean letting crazies hurt you or your loved ones.
Well.there are already extensive threads about the theme at Gaia.
Ken Wilber has adressed different times idiot compassion or Grandmother Zen.
Distinctions are necessary. Even the love of a mother can be supprsssive in the wrong context. And adressing shadow aspects in a person or other unhealthy aspects can be very merciless.
Even the discussions about abortion and death penalty- espcially in USA ! .. challenge this theme in a very special way….
of course there are many kinds of unhealthy mother love. unconditional love is not simply mother love. shadow work is challenging but doesn't have to be merciless,,,
it is just that some people don't believe unconditional love exists at all, so i think while it is often discussed, there are still important misunderstandings on the topic.
Well.its better to discuss concrete examples. There is lots of New Agy stuff..full of projections and fantasies about it. Always, when discussions become concrete the real fire and light of the topic is revealed.
And thats the difference between teachers too. Take Andrew Cohen and Eckhart Tolle.
Take classic examples like Vivekananda and his teacher Ramakrishna. At leat Dozens of contemporary and historic examples could be told.
Even when we assume that uncondtional love is agred by all its expression is dramatically different! Thats good. so…
Life is not about going the Milky way….
Its great….all the hells, bonfires and heavens are lying closely together as not only the Tibetan wheel of life knows —
ok… concrete examples are good…
Smiles all - I knew this discussion would go on…
I agree concrete examples are good too AND also some of the new age spaciness is a part of my thinking.
Can I have unconditional love and simultaneously act to end a life?
Far from the original relationship based question Nicole presented - yet pointing to relationship with others, the world, the present moment too… NO?
Blessings, David
Yes! hugs to you, my wonderful David friend