What do you do when the person you love the most, whom you have called soulmate and imzadi for two months, engages in what can only be described as character assassination in a group in which you are no longer allowed to participate?

How do you respond when every aspect of your personality which you hold most dear is publicly scorned and trampled underfoot? When lines from personal emails are trumpeted forth as examples of your so-called overweening self-centredness?

Since I read that fateful message yesterday afternoon, I have been reeling emotionally, and until now I felt silenced. Because, of course, one of the grievous charges of which I have been accused by my beloved is being too open about my life and over-dramatising it.

But I realised this morning more than ever I need to blog this.

Of course, there are so many mixed feelings when something of this magnitude happens to one.

Which one will prevail? How to heal and move on? I feel calm and centred as I type  these words this morning, and wonder at that. I guess it's primarily because, as ever when someone violently attacks another, it is not about the person who is attacked but the attacker.
His anger, his pain, his confusion.

He had told me he would say goodbye properly when he knew how. Thus I was utterly blindsided by this, the very opposite of a proper fare thee well.

It seems that in what he wrote, he sought not only to ensure I would never, ever want to contact him again, but also it appears that it is an attempt to make me doubt everything, all I believe about myself, my relationship with others, life, God, my faith. An attempt to make me believe that everything was a lie - what he told me at the outset, what he told me all along - that it was all me imposing my love on him, and not having any consideration for his feelings.

So, my intent for the day is not to be drawn away or dragged down from who I am, and to begin to heal and move on. To leave him in the loving and competent hands of God, and hope for the best for him though it does not look at all promising right now for him to regain balance.

Thanks, love and hugs to all you who care about me and have read this, because I know that you are there for me, and will support and encourage me as my joy and peace are restored to me.

I invite you if you wish to offer your good intentions for him as well, because he is more greatly in need.

i awoke this morning
in the stillness
deep sense of awe
gratitude for my life
peace in the moment

in the dark one bird
began its pure clear notes
slowly, rhythmically
then pausing and beginning again
like a litany

holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God of hosts
heaven and earth are full
of Your Glory
hosanna in the highest!

as the sun crept over the horizon
rays gently blessed the earth
with light of love
i saw the sweet gentle green
of new leaves
i saw the perfect blue
of a spring sky

all the while the classical music
playing softly in the background
songs of sublime beauty
hope, serenity, wisdom
warm passion
balanced in tender love

i smile as, surrounded by all these riches,
i begin my day
as i love best
in the company of my friends
here on Gaia

Glory!

As I prepare for church today, and leading prayers for the first time in over a year, I am, as usual, in bed with my laptop, dreaming, looking out at the growing verdure, listening to sweet birdsong and the Faure Requiem.

I've spent my time with news items to familiarise myself with current affairs that need prayer - fresh hell in Iraq, cyclone in Myanmar (Burma), Zimbabwe troubles, China talks with Dalai Lama, gas crisis in the Gaza Strip...

Now, I'm pondering the community issues of which I am becoming aware. We are in an interim situation as the Selection Committee seeks a new priest to replace the retired one, and it is a vulnerable time for a parish. Attendance is low. Some are questioning their continued involvement as they really enjoyed the previous incumbent and feel it is all too different now - too formal, too much liturgy, not enough flexibility or times of silence... The interim priest only comes in two days a week, barely enough time to rush through basic admin issues that only she can deal with, no time to listen or pastor or get to know the parish.

Seeing the need of my parish family, I feel drawn in to help, while being very mindful of the fact that i will never again have the time I used to have to give 20-30 hours a week to church related activities. With my increased focus on the International Association and the time I spend cultivating the God Pod and on Gaia in general, those 20-30 hours a week I used to give are more than accounted for. I still have to put into 25 hours a week on my learning centre, and look after my youngest child and my household responsibilities, spend time with friends, etc

So, how to balance my desire to help with the limitations of my time and energy? I will pray and seek God's guidance. I sense moving to a very different way of being than my former life at church where I was always front and centre of everything. Now, I will be at the back, behind the scenes, quietly nurturing community and spirituality as God calls. Symbolically, I began right away sitting at the back of the church each Sunday instead of my former spot in the front pew.

Strangely enough, it is not too difficult for me, though I am so used to being in charge of everything. Yes, it chafes, having to go to the church board to ask about things, instead of confidently leading the board in initiatives. But I accept this and enjoy the freedom and peace of not having the burden of leadership there too, as I have in every other area of my life.

It is good to learn new ways of being.

i feel tugged in two directions while i seek to remain in the moment.

part of me longs for my beloved and misses him. but i tell myself that chapter is closed

that same part of me that pulls toward past is annoyed about what has not been working with my ex-partner, though i was trying again. but i tell myself, time to move on from that too

part of me restlessly quests toward the future - all the projects i have to tackle for the house, too long neglected; all the international association regional meetings and other activities, which are proliferating like bunnies; summer! folk festival, getting out for walks, all the glories thereof...

but i keep returning to now, because this is where i live

i cannot retrieve the past

the future is not yet

but this present moment, full of friends, birds singing, sunshine, energy, spring, beauty, joy and love and peace and....

thanks  be to God! Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.

I just got a cool idea.... begin a blog where I write a brief word of appreciation for each of my Gaia friends. I remember Michelle here having an art gallery of pictures of her friends so this is my version of that.

I will begin with those i know better or with whom I am in touch now, and update gradually with those who have been more quiet...

ohmsmom
Beautiful Shirl, light-giver, sunshine of our days, you are the hostess with the mostess!

~KES
Kathy, lightworker too, ambassador of joy and hope and beauty, you share love freely

hawkeye
Daniel, you are intense and intriguing... i would like to know you better

Samme
my brother of the million inspirations and creative ideas, you have so much love to give

Albert
a new friend in Germany, with much to share about Spiral Dynamics and new exciting directions - my thanks to you

Sandy
newborn friend to the world, as Seal would say, your heart embraces all in peace

Jenny
another beautiful dear friend in Germany, soon to be visiting in North America yay!

FastDart
Lars, you fill my days with songs and laughter

ant
Antony, thank you for your daily meditative poem of wonder. you inspire me

Kevin
i enjoy your posts in Silent Temple, always seeking to understand better

Doug
Your artwork, depth and passion move me deeply

Grey
Your intellect, knowledge of Integral Theory, and moderator skills awe me

Ivan chan Studios
I love your paintings, full of colour, life and movement

Hummingbird
Anna, your love for Gien and your upcoming wedding bring us all great joy!

Wren
Your poetry and vision for community are inspiring

SantMatMystic
James, your presence and spirituality are robust and comforting

Morningstar
Lisa, loved your story, and am very much looking forward to meeting you in New Jersey

Julian
your juicing fast blogging was interesting. you have a brilliant mind

Jon
what would we be here without your stream of consciousness blogs and ready wit?

mary w
Sister and friend to so many here, you bless us with your energy and light

Ascended Mouseter
you are my dear, dear friend, Johann... be well! know joy...

Panwithin
you will always be near to my heart, and in my prayers that you find your heart's desire, Paul

profundity
you challenge everything, and for who you are, i give thanks

Sherri
dear sister, you live passionately for God. congratulations on finding true love

Lynx
Lindsay, your smile and your kindness always bring me light and warmth

1Vector3
OM, your infectious energy is ubiquitous!

Balder
Bruce, your quiet wisdom and astonishing learning are a deep well for many of us here

Servant
your inspiring stories and poems light my days and nights

~C4Chaos
your insatiable curiosity and agile mind provide endless rabbit holes for us

jeepdog
Christopher, you are truly and always Peace through Strength, in poetry, prose and friendship

Happiness
You keep a window open to SecondLife for us all here

Siona
our fearless leader and source of Questions and Reflections :)

Bryan
you quietly continue with your light work

jonny bardo
you give me hope that integral can indeed transcend and include

kcidybom
Albert, your quirky sense of humour and warm heart give me daily joy

Marmalade
in so little time you have become one of my very dearest Gaia friends, thank you for your warmth, humour and support

quietlaughter
Leigh-Anne, sorry about how things went. i always admire your writing and gentleness

synonymforlight
"Dawn in the morning, and Dawn in my heart!"

Soul
i am learning much from you, many thanks

Liz
you and Arthur are a constant source of smiles. how i hope to see you in July!

skytoucher
i do miss you and hope you are well

maze
Tom, our dear Tom, of the amazingly real and down-to-earth blogs, friend Tom who is always right there for his friends...

goddess2day
Don't know you well yet but am coming to appreciate your special energy

Centria
you have a light about you, Kathy, that draws me in

victoria
you are vivid, joyful, loving, poetic, so dear

Joe
of the concise pithy blogs, heartfriend

Dave
my brother, the one who walks with me and blesses me, my heart praises God for you

Negoba
Jay, though I'm just beginning to know you, you are so clear and strong that you are my rock

jenni
dear one, thank you for your quiet beauty, your sweetness

Mary
we have supported each other through a lot, now maybe we will actually meet!

Will
brother of my heart, you are there when we need you, sure and quiet

Joshua
your enthusiasm and love light my way, bring me delight

Samwise
you really know how to be a friend, Sam, bless you

Canto
it is a pleasure getting to know you bit by bit, Lauren

ananda
your deeply spiritual and earthy writing, your warm friendship are my sun

Dovvski
i'm grateful for who you are and that soon we will meet

B.B.
i'm proud to call you friend! your energy, your wonder rock the world

Karen
you are truly enough for anyone :)

Sun Warrior
you are my Godsent one, the friend who has supported me from the moment of my beloved's departure by the grace, and your blogs, emails and just who you are bring me joy daily

michaelsits
you are the angel of mercy and peace. you understand and hear

Joshua
you are a steady support on the God Pod, you rock

HeyOK
David, your blogs are a constant source of delight

Ecumencist
Dave, still waters run deep... thank you for what you share

C.G.
you give forth love, light and blessings to all. you and your wife give me hope of what can be

Chad
thank you for starting the weekly Skype contemplative group, it's a great support

Jayne
your idea for a contemplative pod is a wonderful one, i look forward to its fruition

martha
i always look forward to your blogs, ever creative and unusual

Frans
i have so much appreciated your wisdom and humour on the God Pod

Theone
you have been such a sweet joyful friend through all the ups and downs with imzadi, thanks

Jean-Francois
c'etait un vrai plaisir de te rencontrer, j'espere te revoir le premier juin

Shan
you were there for me all last dark year when i pushed everyone else away. travel safely and we will breakfast together and worship together again in June!

Tigana
how i miss you, dear freedom fighter! remember me when you drink the blue wine

Arjan
i enjoyed our blog discussions. thank you for helping me meet Sun Warrior

Zoey
we have been out of touch lately but you are always special

richtali
we haven't spoken much yet, but i look forward to meeting up in New Jersey

Nishtha
i miss you, dear, hope to see you again on Gaia soon

Brondu
my first zaadz friend, you make me laugh with your zany energy

Don
thank you for what you teach me about love, forgiveness and being present

Alluvja
your beauty and warmth are life to those around you, liefje

Satyaseer
dear John, you see deeply and love purely. thank you for the gift of your friendship

I am very, very richly blessed. Deep bows, in profound gratitude and wonder

Your friend,

Nicole

i had such a cool day yesterday...

it began in the wee sma' hours, i was eager to awake and begin my day as usual with Gaia and after the usual catching up on blog comments and the God Pod, I got the idea to blog about my Gaia friends. that was a blessed exercise, very satisfying for me to meditate on what i love about all these people and share it out there.

then, i did a little organising, showered and dressed, said goodbye to my little one, and i was off in a cloud of turtle dust in my poor old neglected Nissan, to the church where i thought i was going to spend a lot of time ensconced in the chapel.

didn't turn out that way, but that's ok. :)

so, it was market day at the church. during the late fall, winter, and early spring, our church hosts in the lower hall the local market people who sell organic bread, goats' cheese, honey and the like. i had helped to set that up during my time on the board, and wanted to peep in and see how it's going. i ended up having a long and wonderful conversation with the woman who had inspired the market being at the church, who no longer attends. we spoke about history, especially Baliol from Scottish history from around the time of the Norman conquest.

at the right time, we helped ourselves to coffee, bought some banana bread as the rest of breakfast, and wandered around looking at the different wares. i decided to go out with the rest of my coffee to shop in the village and walk on the boardwalk.

i was delighted to see a brand new secondhand bookstore, "Livres Boox N' Beanz" - clever way to get around the language laws forbidding languages other than French on signs - and serendipitiously found another book in the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, which we were just discussing in the God Pod. I will start reading it when I fly to New Jersey on Saturday...

There was a dear sweet couple with three kids around their feet - though not a couple together - looking for donations for Breast Cancer research - they will go on a 60 km walk in August and needed to raise 6,000 dollars for their team of three people. So I gave something, had a chat  with them - a colleague of mine has breast cancer and is going through chemo and operations, so it's a live topic for me, more so than usual -  and continued on.

Nothing else was open as it was just after nine a.m. so I wandered along the boardwalk, reveling in the morning light and peacefulness of the water and little islands


i sat alone for quite a while on a bench looking at the water and singing songs, whatever came to mind... grieving gently at times but just letting go and letting go if sadness arose.

at the right time, i got up and went back to the village to check out the secondhand clothing store which supports to work of the volunteer nurses' network, and found an excellent pair of sandals for my little Arielle who is putting them on now, and a blouse to wear when I am doing the regional meeting in New Jersey on Saturday.

While there, I chatted briefly with a very vivid guy who was excited about wheels for his golf bag. He then pretended to be keen on a loud and old-fashioned pair of trousers that was way too big for him. I laughed my loud and conversation-stopping laugh so all heads in the little store turned, paid for my things and went back to check on how my  new friends were doing with their collections for cancer research. that was going well. they kept offering me a rose in exchange for the donation and i kept saying i couldn't take it because it would die before my day was over.

in the village, i happened to notice an exposition of art, and had a look. it was mixed media, oil paintings with flowers arranged on them and photographed. i looked carefully at them all, spoke for a while with the artist Suzanne Walsh, and chose a sweet little picture for my Mom for a mother's day gift.

by then it was nearly lunchtime, so i walked back to the church, bought some samosas and a jar of unsweetened blackberry jam from the market vendors, and settled down to lunch and to hear the trials and tribulations of the guy with whom I'd originally arranged to start the market there, William Golding.

after lunch, it was much busier on the boardwalk, so while i spent more time in contemplation looking out at the water, i did not sing. when i got sleepy in the sun i stretched out on the grass and dozed for a while, then sat up and began to observe the dogs i had been vaguely hearing in the background more closely. i saw a vivacious young Quebecoise woman with two beautiful and quiet collies and another pair of border collies in an adjacent yard who were the ones making all the racket. The woman was well acquainted with the other dogs and explained they were restless and needed to play, hence the barking.

i enjoyed talking with her but was gripped with the urgent desire for ice cream so left her deep in conversation with the other dog owner and went to get some delicious butter pecan ice cream in the village, and went to the other side of the village, across the street from the charming campus of John Abbott College - my eldest, Julia, was in the honours science program there before embarking on honours math at McGill university.

 i knew i could find peace and quiet  at a little park there far from the madding crowds. on the way i stopped at another little park and took this picture of a sculpture of children.


when i arrived there was a boy talking on his cell phone on the only bench, but he soon left and i was alone, and could sing to myself again about birds and water. i sang Blackbird to a red-winged blackbird sitting complacently in a tree, and took this blurred picture of a gull waddling around - there were many many gulls out yesterday enjoying the fine day.


evening was approaching so i looked carefully at the menus on my way back to the boardwalk through the village but didn't see anything that really captured me so decided to eat supper later at home. the woman with the collies was engrossed in a conversation about her travels in Switzerland with another guy who had traveled a lot in Europe. after he left, we visited for quite a while, enjoying the families who were out in force now, as the six month old collie really loved playing with each child who walked past.

as the sun began to set, we walked back to our respective cars and i returned home, tired and feeling very contented with my day away.

Today I have just been filled with joy and I don't even know why. Laughing out loud every chance I get just because I feel so good. The God Pod has been even more hopping than usual, due to some fascinating new threads, very active new members like
dailyplanit

my wonderful mods
Marmalade
Negoba,
Mike S
Joshua
even Dave who has been taking a break

as well as cool "longtime" members (lol, I guess 3 months is a long time in cyber space)
Bjorn,
DonBear
GW
Sherri

So, this is always lovely. But today was also a day I got to visit my dear friend Meg, and that was as great as usual, and...

I don't know! I just feel light.

Now the holiday weekend (Victoria Day, aka La Fete des Patriotes :) )  is upon me. Even though it involves a business trip to New Jersey, it just feels like pure fun. I'm looking forward to seeing new friends at the Gaia meet,
visiting my colleague's Kumon centre and doing the IAKF meeting on Sunday.

Then after I get home Sunday night, the weekend continues into Monday and Tuesday. Bliss!

Colorful sky over Monmouth Battlefield State Park. More Info



Stream rich in clay runs through the woods in New Jersey.

Now that I'm back from New Jersey and that meet up was so awesome with Lisa, Eric and Rich (see my last blog and check out theirs if you haven't yet checked out the Lisaness, Ericness and Richness of the meeting lol), time to plan the next one!

Not exactly the next meet, because that is June 1, here in Montreal, but my next distance meet, on the next stop of my "IAKF road trip" as one of my colleagues called it at the meeting yesterday (will blog about that later).

Saturday, June 14, 3 - 5 p.m.
The Naam  (web site, 2724 W. 4th Ave. Vancouver BC Canada, phone: 604-738-7151)

So, I have loads of wonderful Gaia friends whom I am looking forward to meeting in conjunction with my International association meetings July 8 to 13 in LA and San Francisco. Very exciting.

But do you think that I can get those meetings organised so I can book the tickets?

So far, the answer has been no.

I've been working on this for months, intensively for the past few weeks. I leave voice mails send emails talk to people hear about those who are on vacation or whose centre is not in the right place or who just don't get back to me....

All the other places, Toronto (twice), Vancouver, New Jersey and Houston fell or are falling into place nicely. But the place that everyone on the board keeps telling me is the most critical area in the US... not.

Help! :) Oh well, I will keep making phone calls...

that is, i think i have found my next choir in which to sing! totally awesome! :)

On Sunday, I went to hear Musica Viva. They were performing all Argentinian music, and I was deeply impressed by how well they sang in Spanish, given that they are francophones, and the beautiful sound they had.

Their director, Cristian Gort, was the director of the first concert choir I joined in 2002 or thereabouts. I enjoyed learning Beethoven's Mass in C Major, the Petite Suite Quebecoise and other songs with him, and was sad when he moved on to other activities. But it all worked out for the best because our next director, Martin Dagenais, invited us to hear another of his choirs, Melodium, and I fell so deeply in love with their sound that when he told us they were going to be singing the St Matthew Passion by Bach, I was delighted and hoped to join.

Then I discovered that they would be doing the Rachmaninoff All Night Vespers instead, and since I didn't know that work at the time, I was delaying showing up at rehearsals and missed the first few. When I did start attending, though, I quickly became impassioned with the beauty and wonder of that a cappella choral work,  and asked if i could just sit in on rehearsals and learn it, because i did not have the confidence that I could learn it well enough in the shortened time and with this choir I hero worshipped. Martin agreed.

We quickly both discovered that my gift for memorising music and my hard work made it easy for me not only to catch up to the others, but to commit the entire work to memory and sing it with only the occasional quick glance at the music at the concert. It was a very beautiful experience, April 24 2003 (I think), with soloist Noella Huet, who has a very warm mezzo-soprano voice and charming stage presence.

After singing the Messiah with them a year and a half ago (I've blogged a lot about that if you want to chase further links LOL), I was too depressed and then too preoccupied to even consider. I heard too that they took a year off, and in fact am not sure whether they are active even now.

I had originally thought of waiting until 2009 to join a choir, but listening to Musica Viva with the expert backing of the group Fogon (which means campfire, and which I will hear again on Friday!), I was perched on the edge of my seat with excitement, especially for the showpiece,
the Misa Criolla, and filled with profound longing to be part of this choir.

During the intermission, I found a choir member and asked for the rehearsal times. At first I was sad because she said Mondays at 7 and I work till 7 at least a half hour drive away. But then after the concert I had a much more detailed conversation with a member of the committee and found out that not only does it start at 7:15, but another former choir buddy of mine who lives near where I work is seriously thinking of joining too, so we might car pool together! As the three of us talked, we became more and more excited by the plan, and discussed the pre-season potluck meal where we could meet the choir in a relaxed, convivial atmosphere.

I even heard that the choir might perform the Misa Criolla again in late August, and am considering singing it with them - I've never done it before but the choral parts are quite simple and I should be able to learn it up quickly, since I've listened to it many times and have a feeling for how the alto part goes.

You have to understand, I'm considered a Gaia addict, or devotee :). but my love for choral singing is much much stronger than my love for Gaia. I need to sing, and it's been far too long.
At last, the time of deprivation looks like it's coming to an end.