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circumpolar

Posted on Apr 2nd, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Circumpolar_xthumb
this site has awesome pictures. thanks to gaia member jon alvarenga for sharing the link with me.

http://www.digitalblasphemy.com/mpages/topratedtodos.shtml

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Silent Retreat Part II - healing and reactivity and more healing

Posted on Apr 3rd, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Coalescence_jon_alvarengo
For me, the retreat was a great time of healing, because it was about the father heart of God. So I was able to face the pain I still have about growing up with a dad who lived far away, whom I haven't seen much or talked to throughout my life.

What i discovered in the days following the retreat, though, is that the ensuing vulnerability I am experienced has meant that I have been extremely reactive. So things that normally I would shrug off, like getting chastised by the Diving Deeper mods for not following the rules, became a big issue. Reactivity set off a chain of events which led today to my being asked to leave the group. But I'm ok with that. In the midst of it all there was a healing moment with one of the mods who turned out to be very loving and forgiving, bless  her!

At the same time, the healing continues to deepen day by day. This morning, I discovered that my beloved, for very good reasons which I support totally, wants us to be on the level of friendship only. I have been amazed and delighted by the peace and good humour I have been experiencing all day. It confirms the rightness of the decision and the grace of God generously poured out over my life.

God is so very, very good. Now I have a very best friend who lives far away and yet is always right there to support, guide and comfort me when I need him the most.
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Remembering MLK - Forty years ago today

Posted on Apr 4th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Rainbow

Honoring MLK by Changing the Wind (by Troy Jackson)

Friday, April 4, 2008, marks the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He was 39-years-old, yet had already spent 15y ears in a grassroots movement that radically reshaped the racial landscape in the United States. He was not only a great preacher and civil rights leader, a Nobel Peace prize winner and a courageous voice for peace and justice - King was also a "windchanger."

Recapturing MLK's Radical Vision (by Adam Taylor)

 

I have become increasingly convinced that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has become the victim of identity theft. Too often we domesticate King, sanitizing his radical message and selectively choosing his words. Our nation embraces the King of Montgomery and Selma but suffers amnesia about the King of Memphis who called for a living wage, or the King of Riverside who spoke out boldly against the war in Vietnam. Dr. King would be deeply disturbed by the crass materialism and naked narcissism of American society today, and he would resist the prosperity gospel that has infiltrated our churches - a message that pimps the gospel and places the crown before the cross.

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busy busy mind

Posted on Apr 5th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Spring
as my best friend tells me, I am always always thinking... right now I am busy with plans for International Association of Kumon Franchisees regional meetings and other stuff.

The first one is Sunday, April 20, in Toronto. So I am busy, busy trying to get the newsletter out and into the hands of everyone so they can RSVP... and planning other activities around that like a visit with an ex-colleague and a Gaia Conversation meet with Dave, hopefully.

Next, looks like I will be in Vancouver June 7 or June 14. I love Vancouver and hopefully will be able to stay with my sister, and spend a little time relaxing.

Next, I am hoping for San Francisco in early to mid-July. Again, may be able to work F2F time with gaians Arthur and Liz...

Then Toronto again on July 19...

After that it will be the Robert Masters workshop in Montreal mid to late August. I hope somewhere before the end of the summer to see my best female friend who lives in Ohio

Finally the Japan 50th anniversary conference and IAKF activities before that, a week and a half at the beginning of December

Busy busy mind
Busy busy year!

Couldn't be more different from the last... I can only conclude I needed to do nothing for the entire year last year in order to gain the strength for this year.

Light, life, joy and blessings to you all, with much love!

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being real, being free

Posted on Apr 6th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Orca_couple
one of things i was confiding in my imzadi this morning, i'd like to blog today. important realisation from yesterday

i find that i am no longer able to show a false face to the world... before when i was so involved in the church, there was so much i could not say to people about how i really felt about so many things... as the chair of the board, i had to be political nearly all the time and cheerful even when i wanted to cry or rage, always professional and service oriented

yesterday at church i could not say to people i was ok, i just shook my head at them when they asked how i was and said i would explain another time...

in the same way i could not keep the high flying icon when i felt so crushed and disconnected from my imzadi... the ugly icon was not me, just my feelings... but when we reconnected i knew this dolphin one was now more accurate, swimming freely in the ocean of love side by side at times and perhaps one diving deeper and leaving the other for a bit but always always finding each other swimming, at the right time... like now...

i am learning to let go. learning by the great love i have to do what i have never yet been able to do, to set someone free and let him be whatever he needs to be. as i free him, i free myself
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sleepless in Montreal

Posted on Apr 8th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Birds_in_flight_national_geographic
sleeplessness has become a serious problem for me these past weeks.

this is not surprising, considering that I have spent this time living in the UK and Europe... at least, that is where my heart and mind are intensely focused much of the day, unless events here in Canada are sufficiently engrossing to wrench them wholly away.

So, spending significant hours of every day and night with people living in time zones five or six hours away from here wreaks havok on my biological clock. I have been staying up late to chat and to email, dropping of to sleep briefly and then up very early because my mind is telling me that it is already nine or ten of the morning, time to get going...

the past few days have been much more difficult. on the one hand, there has been a cooling off by both of these significant others. on the other hand, the sleeplessness has worsened, because now instead of having a nice satisfying chat and enjoying a lovely nap of several hours lol i have been waiting up in hope for a chat, realising with resignation that once again it will not happen, and either latching on to the solace of sporadic emails or worse today simply going through the night alone, reading blogs and posts and doing my demon commenting thing.

and listening to a lot of music. the soundtrack of tonight has included the Rachmaninoff Vespers, fun for me because I sing along lol, a new to me album by Arvo Part, assorted music by musica intima and my ever beloved cbc radio two with the more and more familiar cycle of daily music programs - Nightstream, Music and Company, Here's to You, Studio Sparks, Disc Drive, Tonic, Canada Live, and The Signal... and then round and round we go again...

with the synchronicity that no longer surprises me a whit, one of the songs that was playing just now on Jowi's Nightstream was Sarah McLachlan's song Possession which has long haunted me, but never more than the past few weeks... See the lyrics  here

i don't think i have to explain the eerie aptness of the above to my lived experience...

so after a month of unremitting emotional intensity, very very high highs, very very low lows, trying to keep up with the routing of life, children, work and household while averaging about four hours a night sleep and also negotiating cliffs of the heart like the silent retreat i have blogged recently. and the unexpected experience of being asked to leave a Gaia group. still shaking my head in disbelief over that one though more bemused and amused by the whole comedy of errors and mutual misunderstandings than anything else... letting it go...

i feel ... deeply drained, to the point of becoming numb almost... not quite though, feeling always remains...

at a certain point i was filled with confidence and a sense of palpable nearness of my imzadi
(again, i've blogged enough poems about him that he is a familiar presence to those who have been kind enough to indulge me by dropping by here regularly over the past month) such that i would usually feel deeply satisfied with his love, grounded in it and nourished by it ... good thing because i was hardly eating anything...

now that sense of well being and security is absent. instead i feel confused, fearful, doubtful and lonely. i have become over sensitive to everything, cry at the drop of a hat, and find it more and more difficult to motivate myself to work.

thankfully, this too shall pass. funnily enough, i retain that perspective and the healthy perspectives of many a friend who has consoled me throughout my storm drenched days. imzadi himself is very wise and stable and is doing everything he can think of to help me regain my balance.
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becoming grounded, learning balance

Posted on Apr 8th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Orca_leaping
today has been the most laid-back and sweet day in weeks. i had a delightful breakfast with my friend karin. we shared back and forth and as we parted she reminded me not to be too serious...

my weekly massage was more therapeutic than usual as i talked through all the angst of the past week and allowed my muscles to luxuriate in the feeling of being relaxed. messages i took away - nurture yourself, let go...

this afternoon in talking to another friend, i was discussing how being too open with everyone was getting me into trouble. should i become more closed at time, as was suggested? no, she said, you must be open, but stay enfolded in God, and all will be well...

resting, listening to music, thinking about  the implications of the clouds of advice and support and love surrounding me on every side, and noticing...

the pain that has dominated the past few days has subsided to background.

i am enjoying my solitude today, relishing the changing light as afternoon fades into evening

no pull to write emails or save mp3s or even send thoughts for imzadi...


feeling free and easy and one with myself

not feeling bereft, angry, hurt, torn, conflicted



thinking, this could be very simple, you know...

going at life full tilt 100% doesn't have to mean not being grounded

doesn't have to mean being unbalanced or depending on anyone



remembering what arjan and i were talking about ... men and women wanting so very much from each other... difficult to escape that energy and that trap in relationship

remembering andrew cohen's Self-delight

allowing self-delight to melt my consciousness and being...



here is strength

here is purity

here is freedom

here is truth

here is unconditional love unbounded



see imzadi, chesed kisses gevurah in unity and peace ~

all is festival! (Rilke)



"And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."

Little Gidding, T.S. Eliot
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Montreal Gaia Conversation Cafe Meeting!

Posted on Apr 9th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Celebrate_life
Updated Tuesday, April 22 - happy earth day and happy birthday to my favourite cellist Genevieve Guimond

Hey, all you wonderful Gaia people who will be anywhere near Montreal on

Sunday, April 27, at 2 pm!


Meet us at this Venue: Café L'Etranger
680, rue Ste-Catherine O corner University

You are all welcome to join us for coffee and conversation.

Please RSVP by commenting on this blog or sending me a message or by signing up on my
meetup page

Looking forward to seeing you!

Here are some of the questions we may discuss if people wish:

Question 1: How can we best prepare our children for the future?

Question 2: What does sustainability look like to you? How do we get there?

Question 3: How do humans need to adapt to survive the changes predicted for this century?


Question 4: How do we shift from “Me” to “We” on both the local and global levels?

Question 5: How can you, as Gandhi said, be the change that you want to see in the world?

Question 6: What kind of economic structures can best support a shift to sustainable living?

Question 7: How should we re-invent the political process so that people feel that they have a voice?

Question 8: What kind of leadership does the world need now?


Question 9: How can we balance our personal needs with the most pressing needs of our community and the larger world?


Question 10: What can we do to reduce or eliminate violence in the world?


Question 11: What is the most important question in world today – to you?


Light, peace, and joy,

Nicole
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deeper love, joy, peace

Posted on Apr 11th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Fireenso_from_gregbe
dearest love
my heart's own

you have called me forth
day after day

first to soar with you higher than icarus
in bliss beyond belief, then
falling, falling so precipitously

into a deeper love
than i ever knew
or even dreamed

a love that truly
elevates the well-being of the beloved
as the highest good

even if it means
the greatest sacrifice

nothing is too much to give or give up
or too hard to bear
when it comes to you

my joy
is your joy and peace

my life
made sweeter by your heart's ease

my day
brightened by your smiles

laughter peals
unbidden, unexpected

such delight and release is mine

simply knowing that very, very, far away
though in a life completely removed from mine

you are having a good day...

(Catherine Conway - I Know that my Redeemer Liveth)

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Love Song

Posted on Apr 12th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Amore_lg
Love you, John!

Here's mine!

CITY OF ANGELS - IRIS - GOO GOO DOLLS



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Toronto Gaians! This Saturday, April 19, 3 p.m. Montana's

Posted on Apr 16th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Squirrels
I am so very much looking forward to being in Toronto this weekend! Not least for the opportunity to meet with Gaia friends and enjoy conversation topics.

So, here's the scoop: It's this Saturday, April 19 at 3 p.m. at the Montana's Queensway in Etobicoke.

Address and phone number:

MONTANA'S QUEENSWAY:
1007 THE QUEENSWAY, ETOBICOKE, ONTARIO, M8Z6C7
THE QUEENSWAY & ISLINGTON AVE
TEL:
416-646-1852

Please RSVP by commenting on this blog or sending me a message.

Looking forward to seeing you!

Here are some of the questions we may discuss if people wish:


Question 1: How can we best prepare our children for the future?

Question 2: What does sustainability look like to you? How do we get there?

Question 3: How do humans need to adapt to survive the changes predicted for this century?

Question 4: How do we shift from “Me” to “We” on both the local and global levels?

Question 5: How can you, as Gandhi said, be the change that you want to see in the world?

Question 6: What kind of economic structures can best support a shift to sustainable living?

Question 7: How should we re-invent the political process so that people feel that they have a voice?

Question 8: What kind of leadership does the world need now?


Question 9: How can we balance our personal needs with the most pressing needs of our community and the larger world?


Question 10: What can we do to reduce or eliminate violence in the world?


Question 11: What is the most important question in world today – to you?


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Toronto Gaian Conversation April 19, 3:30-7 p.m.

Posted on Apr 20th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Niagara_falls_and_the_canyon
So there I was, at Montana's (funny place for a vegetarian!) waiting for my new friend Sun Warrior.

As it turned out, none of the other people who had originally been contacted could make it this time, and my attempts at broadcasting an open invitation via profile and status were bootless.

I arrived early after a series of panics - misdirection from my friend in Hamilton, finding the highway, getting stuck in traffic - and it was a beautiful, sunny warm day and so, not being entirely sure what he looked like, and feeling claustrophobic and a little insecure, wondering what i had gotten myself into, i waited outside.

for the first twenty minutes or so I wasn't too anxious, just enjoying the sun and keeping a watchful eye on the parking lot for incoming.

by the time 3:30 rolled around, i was starting to despair, not thinking it deliberate on his part but wondering if something insurmountable had come up, and he hadn't had a chance to contact me. kicking myself for not giving him my cell number so he could let me know.

brock gettysberg march 2006



just then, a guy walked up from the parking lot with an open yet tentative smile, saying something i could not hear. i said,

"i'm nicole, oh gosh, i don't even know your name!" laughing

he laughed too and told me his name is Brock. We went inside and ordered something to drink and started to talk.

we talked and talked and talked. it was amazing, i felt so little of the awkwardness one feels in these situations of meeting someone for the first time, and even that little bit faded very quickly in all the sharing.

He told me his story, which you can find on his profile:

"I was pretty content (working as a manager for Walmart), having packed away any thoughts about spiritual matters as interesting to those who have them, but of no practical use in my life.

"Then that typical life was shattered on the first day, of the first spring of the new millennium.

"The visions began, and I was asked to choose.  Continue life as 'normal,' or follow where the visions lead.  I chose the latter.

"What made it so strange, is that the Divine didn't show up as the 'Christian God,' but something else.  The Great Spirit.  I had never had anything to do with the Natives.  Where did that come from? Suddenly, all bets were off. 

"My current journey includes 'Naked Civilization, Nude Christianity,' an exploration of the secrets we take for granted; and 'Fear, Seduction and the Soul,' meditations on the marks left by managing in corporate America.

Original Wisdom
Journey into Original Wisdom"


Though we didn't actually pull out the Conversation questions, everything important was discussed - who we are, where we are from, what our spiritual journey is, what are our hopes and dreams for our lives and for society and our children...

It was an amazing, life-giving interaction and exploration, and nearly four hours later when it was time for him to go, we were both sorry that it was over.

We exchanged business cards and I invited him and his wife to come and visit Montreal sometime when they are making their way up from Niagara to the Gaspe, in Quebec, where he has roots.

It's always wonderful what can happen when your heart is open.
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hush, my heart, don't cry

Posted on Apr 23rd, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Mdx04_the-answer-lao-tzu-posters
shhh...
this is not the end
only another beginning

beginning again
to see
and hear
and understand

beginning again
to dare to stay open
when everything screams shut
protect
hide

beginning again
to have compassion
for the one who tears me open
in his pain

beginning again
to hope
that this
is not as good as it gets

beginning again
to begin again

tout comprendre
c'est tout pardonner
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Meet up in New Jersey on May 17!

Posted on Apr 24th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Zebras_from_nature_top_photos
Since I have my next International Association of Kumon Franchisees (IAKF) meeting in NJ on Sunday May 18 -

I have decided it will be so cool to meet up with my NJ friends

on Saturday May 17, 3-5 pm

at the Red Roof Inn, 208 New Rd Monmouth Junction, NJ 08852.

Morningstar and Rederick want to come! Yay!

Anyone else, please RSVP by commenting on this blog.

Love and light,

Nicole
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two-month long "week of my life" ends

Posted on Apr 25th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Stepping_stones_gregbe


i sense, or is it just hope?, that the very long and very very intense time i have been living through my recent internet relationships and everything else that has been happening in my life at the same time, so very very very much, is coming to a place of quietness and rest...

relatively speaking, of course. i always have a lot on my plate, with the international association, my learning centre, all my friends here on gaia, at church and everywhere else, my family, and household responsibilities, but somehow that all feels totally manageable without dealing with too high highs and too low lows of in-love madness.

i will always love my imzadi. i have no regrets that i fell in love, though the pain has been unbelievable especially because of how he didn't say good-bye. i have learned so much through it all, the joy and the pain, the bliss and the grief.

i will always love the other, who was the one i cared for deeply before he disappeared and i turned to my imzadi who was then just a casual friend for comfort... life is so ironic... again, i have no regrets and hope that we will be able to remain friends in spite of all the difficulties in his life that make it hard for him to stay friends with me.

i will always love my corazon. he was my joy and comfort yesterday when i showed up to lunch feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and discouraged. we laughed so hard, and he reminded me of all the energy and drive and hope i have in my life at this very moment, even at the same time as the fatigue. and it was so good to be with him, to love him, to be hugged in warm friendship by him, to be able to leave my worries with him about not wanting to fall for anyone else for at least a few years, yet fearful that i may be drawn even now deeper into caring...

i will always love all my friends. all you beautiful people here who comment on my blogs, support and inspire me in the god pod, write your blogs and shout outs and posts in other discussion groups that make me stop and think and adore...

i know myself to be deeply, deeply blessed, right here, right now. and in time, i will rest and recover. all manner of thing shall be well.
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Sunday, Glorious Sunday! Go, Zaangha!

Posted on Apr 28th, 2008 by Nicole : wakingdreamer Nicole
Cafe_l_etranger-montreal
Yeah, I was listening to the U2 tape this past week so ...

The day began well with the church service. I love our new interim minister and had a great time chatting with people during coffee hour. While I have some concerns about what's happening right now with the interregnum, in terms of what I perceive as a swing of the pendulum way the other way overcompensating from the retired priest's way of doing things, and communicated my concerns vociferously last night to a member of the committee which is tasked with choosing a new priest, I was happy and not thinking too much about all the implications at that time.

After church, I dropped my youngest daughter at home and headed into town to make sure that we had a good table ready for the Gaia meet. The cafe was lovely, just a stone's throw from the Anglican cathedral I have often attended but quietly on a lower level below the street, so I have never noticed it before. It was a recommendation of Dovvski.  She was sad that she could not attend this time because of family obligations but hopes to come next time.

Like many Montreal restaurants, it had a terrasse, but now with the no smoking laws for inside bars and restaurants, les terrasses often are used by smokers and so I gratefully made my way into the smoke free interior, with its pleasant tables and cheery waitress. When she heard we would be five to seven people, she immediately showed me a large wooden table with carved wooden chairs that seated eight comfortably, near the entrance. Perfect! I was half an hour early so sat down to wait.

I got hungry after a few minutes and beckoned for a menu. I chose a veggie "burger" with fries and salad. It was delicious and while I was begininning to enjoy it, along came the first person, Gisele, who  is not yet a member of Gaia but  who had seen my description of the meeting on  the meetup page I had created to publicise the event. We chatted a bit. I asked her if she was more comfortable in French or English and she said, in that accommodating way most bilingual Montrealers I know have, that either was perfectly fine.

nicolas


Shortly after that though, Nicolas showed up with his partner Eva, and we quite naturally started talking in French, though again they said either language was fine.  Then  Francis showed up and the whole dynamic changed.

Francis started talking very intensely about the necessity of being grounded, that we couldn't just be into spirituality. He told how he had begun to get obsessed with different conspiracy theories and forms of spirituality, more and more and then on his thirtieth birthday he attained satori. He described how it lasted a month and all the delights and peculiarities of it, but then just as suddenly as it arrived it left him and he was like a new born babe. He didn't understand anything about the day to day life he had lived before. Everything fell apart, he lost his job, his girlfriend, many of his friends, most of his possessions and his apartment. He moved back in with his parents. A year later, he was still trying to sort out his life.

His friend Jean-Francois who was the one who had told him about Gaia and this meet up arrived a while later and the two of them fell into an animated chat for a while. Meanwhile, Gisele, Nicolas, Eva and I were talking about, among other things, Second Life.

From Nicolas' profile, here is what he says about his involvement there:
"Under the name of Leou Aeon, I have recently broadened my audience through Second Life's virtual reality. I have been appointed as a guide at Mystic Academy, where I am hosting multiple weekly discussion groups, giving lectures and teaching Integral Transformative Practice to an ever-expanding audience."

Nicolas also spoke about other aspects of his life, much as in his profile:
"Visionary Artist, speaker, consultant and teacher, I created the Montreal Psychedelic Community five years ago. I have since then been hosting a weekly discussion group about hot topics such as entheogens, spirituality, shamanism, 2012 - the end of the Mayan calendar, integral philosophy, indigo children, etc."

This was all very new to Gisele who is an older woman, and at the same time is clearly very open to new ideas and new approaches. She drank everything in eagerly like someone consumes water who has been walking through a desert and has just arrived at an oasis.

At a certain point Jean-Francois and Francis began to talk with the rest of us. Francis mentioned the Conversation Questions, and how one of the questions, about what we should do in the world, for him was answered by our conversation as follows: we have to become who we really are, learn what we have been given to do in life and fulfill our mission in the world. That seemed to sum things up beautifully.

 Jean-Francois shared that he is a musician, guitar teacher, and songwriter. currently recording his second CD. It was very clear from his aura, enthusiasm and hearty laugh that he is "less and less asleep…."

jean francois

To hear and buy Variations sur le Vide, his latest record, see http://cdbaby.com/cd/fortier or http://myspace.com/jeanfrancoisfortier or see his “Eastern Swing” compositions sung by Marijo Bonheur at http://marijobonheur.com

Nicolas told Jean-Francois that he should consider having real-time virtual shows on Second Life. Jean-Francois' face lit up as he listened intently and came to understand the amazing potential of reaching people all over the world with his music through Second Life,

After nearly two hours had gone by in very pleasant and high voltage discussion, my cell phone rang. It was David M calling to express his regrets that he could not attend due to his father's illness. I told him not to worry, that he could join us next time, and turned to follow the conversation again. Also having expressed regrets was Leonardo.

I wanted to go to that new emergent church service back on the West Island, so a little after four o'clock got everyone's attention, established we all wanted to meet about once a month, that first Sundays might work, that people liked the place, so we set the next date and place for Sunday, June 1, 2-4 pm at Cafe L'Etranger.

I excused myself to use the washroom, handed everyone my Kumon business card so each of them could more easily stay in touch if he or she wished, and said I had to run. They waved and continued on with their animated conversation.

So, it ended up being almost all in French though it occasionally drifted briefly into English, in the time-honoured way of Quebecois discussions in Montreal. :)

Very, very satisfying! I loved meeting each and every person and look forward to future meetings, and meeting others who will no doubt attend when they can, like my dear and delightful and popular friend B.B.

Since this is so long, I will blog separately about the church service I attended after this.







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