It was so delicious to wake up this morning to a ton of birthday wishes! I want to thank Suni, Jim, Paul, lars, Merry Mary, Barbara, Meenakshi, Pixie, Kathy (KES), Lili, Terrill, Akbar, Janie, Gaia Team, and my sister for all the birthday love already.

The above was our very first pod icon, a year ago, on January 31, 2008, when the God Pod came into being.

The inspiration for the pod was Lindsey's blog, Please Help! Is There a God?

From the plethora of comments, it seemed to me that we could best have this kind of discussion in a pod.

So the Pod began as "Is there a God?" 

It has grown in leaps and bounds since then and at this time of writing has 652 members, 1268 discussion threads (or conversations as they are now called), and 15,084 messages. 

What has been special about it is, with occasional lapses, we have discussions about very contentious issues in a respectful and mutually listening manner. For that, I thank all the active members and moderators who share deeply and beautifully.

reminisce about old times, like some of our early discussions:

Our darling and very mischievious black cat Splat had been ill for a few days, but none of us were anxious. Surely it was just a tummy upset. But he became very listless yesterday and we became anxious. We had decided to take him to the vet this morning.

At 5 am my 18 year old son, who was about to have his shower and get going to school, came to my room distraught - "Mom, it's Splat - I think he's dead!" I had been sound asleep and it took a while for it to sink in.

He had died on the bathroom floor, just lying on his side and was already stiff. My son and I cried and kept telling each other what  a shock it was. We wrapped him in a towel and put him in a quiet spot in the garage until we could take him later this morning to the vet for cremation.

Then I waited in dread for my 12 year old to wake up so I could break the news to her.
After cuddling with me for a few minutes, she went off to be alone, and has been mostly silent and tearful since (I kept her home from school), interspersing her tears and reproachful looks with requests for another pet.

I don't know. I just can't think of another pet right now.

Splat was such a very difficult cat, unpredictable and prone to sudden stealth attacks on us from nowhere. It will probably be weeks before we stop carefully closing all the bedroom doors to protect from his mischief messes. Our other cat, Chelsea, has been with us 10 years and he made her life hell by pouncing on her.

And then he could be so sweet and cuddly when he wanted to be. Especially with my youngest, he would be the most indulgent with her when she wanted long cuddles.

We all had gotten very very attached to him in the year since he arrived unexpectedly on our doorstep. My older daughter had brought him to us in the middle of the night (already named) and explained that her friend owned him, but now had to find him a new home as the landlord didn't allow cats. I still have to break the news to her. Edit - turned out my son called her about twenty minutes ago - we have been chatting online about it, with my youngest.

I never was successful at getting a good picture of him. He was a perfect jet black, no white anywhere, with beautiful yellow eyes. This picture looks very much like him, down to the devilish gleam.

This is our first pet belonging to the whole family to die. My 12 year old had a goldfish who died last year, but that was so different.

We will miss you so!

Sometimes, like this morning, I wake up and fall asleep often, cycling for a few minutes of each, and every time, return to the same dream. Like shuttling back and forth between two realities :)

Does that happen to you? Or... something else that's even more interesting? :)

(The picture is Sirens Dream by A. Andrew Gonzalez - here for part of his collection)

Before I go on to talk about more that I saw and did in Japan, I thought I'd step back and talk about the lessons I learned about preparing, by arriving headlong without doing so.

The company sent all of us who were going on the conference a very detailed file full of helpful tips on what to do before going, etiquette tips while there, and useful phrases in Japanese.

Of course, I read it after I was already there.

Exchanging money:

The file explained that it was important to arrive with enough yen to see us through the time we were there as it was difficult to find ATMs that accept foreign cards. I won't tell you how much time my friends and I spent chasing around reinforcing this point, or how many yen I still have because I panicked and overcompensated by getting too much when I finally did gain access to funds.

This process was not helped by the fact that our Canadian dollar, after being very strong much of the year while I was planning the trip, was at rock bottom.

Weather:

It is still autumn in Japan, though winter here in Montreal, so because I did not pay attention to this, I spent a lot of my time there galumphing about overly warm in my fuzzy winter boots, and a heavy coat. The coat did come in handy at times, though, as I chill easily. I even needed my gloves one cool day.

Etiquette and using chopsticks:

I have managed to get this far in life without any discernable proficiency in the use of chopsticks. Too bad, since for many meals these were the only utensils available. We ate at a number of authentic Japanese places, and at one, besides being hilarious inept at using the chopsticks in spite of the best of help from my friends, I made the mistake of leaving the chopsticks sticking upright in my bowl of rice for a while. Apparently this is a big no-no.

One is also supposed to eat everything, down to the last grain. As usual, I left too much food, spectacularly at two meals - one, where I started to crack what I thought was a hard-boiled egg and found it was raw, and another where I ordered what I hoped was a vegetarian meal and it was covered in greasy pork.

(Being a vegetarian is difficult in Japan, even for the initiated. I spoke to one of my friends later in the trip about it. He had lived there for 10 years, and confided that he had had to go back to eating meat, though he began as a strict vegan at first, because it was just so difficult. Staff tried hard to help me at restaurants, and were very kind, polite and helpful as always, but I was chagrined by their perplexed looks and consternation as they racked their brains trying to think of menu items that might work.)

There is a lot of etiquette around bowing of course, too, and I'm quite sure that in spite of my best efforts I did not do well in that regard either. I just couldn't stay focussed enough to bow to everyone who bowed to me, and I'm not sure I bowed the right way.

I didn't manage to master the full thanks, and used the informal "arigato" most of the time when it would have shown more respect to do otherwise.

No camera, no watch, no...

As I mentioned in my last blog, not having my Blackberry meant I didn't take any pictures, but more importantly, I rarely knew what time it was, and it often mattered, so I was always asking someone. I could have bought a watch early in the trip, had I felt more comfortable about the cash I had on hand. Instead, I ended up buying the watch, which was my gift from Japan for my youngest, at the airport on my way home.

The result?

Well, the result was that I felt a little off-balance the whole time I was there, which tinged the whole experience with a certain dizzyness and feeling of uncertainty.

Live and learn, eh?



 

In this, the first blog I've written in ages, I hardly know where to begin or how to do justice to my visit to Japan. So, I think I shall be fairly random and resign myself to leaving out a lot, perhaps even much that is important and just dive in.

Amazingly enough, I survived without my Blackberry, though sadly that  meant also without my camera, since I have no other (I deemed that it was more needed at work so went without it). So in the end, It wasn't so much the email contact I missed. I hadn't realised how dependent I had become on all its other functions - it is my watch, my alarm, notebook, address book... In pondering all the helpful qualities of my Blackberry, I think on the immortal words of Homer Simpson, and mentally make a small substitution:

"How can you say
anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little."

I left for Japan a week and a half ago, on the Saturday morning, and so arrived late Sunday afternoon, because of the combination of the long trip (nearly 24 hours) and the time difference (14 hours). Of course, the time difference meant that when I returned yesterday, the plane left Tokyo at 5:20 pm and the connecting flight touched down in Montreal at 6:30 pm - the wonders of jumping time zones.

I met up with some of my friends in Vancouver on the way, and watched many movies on the flights, including Ghost Town which surprised me - I think it was really worth watching.

The first full day we were in Tokyo was mostly lost on shopping, which, sadly, most everyone else I was with was keen on doing. (Shopping is one of my least favourite things in the world.) We got to explore the Tokyo subway system somewhat in so doing, though we did not get packed into the trains like sushi by the pushers as I have heard so much. It wasn't busy enough.

On the full day of sightseeing the next day we :

Went up The Tokyo Tower: (Had to delete the picture, see link)

(Tokyo Tower as seen from the very base. Photo Credit)

The views from the observatory are quite overwhelming - one gets the feeling that Tokyo goes on forever in every direction, except where it ends in water.

But here I would like to take a side exploration on some of the things about Japan that made more of an impression on me than the sights.

The Blind:

The first one has to do with consideration for blind people. Near  the views from the Tokyo tower are translations into Braille, for the blind people who are curious to know what they would be seeing from there if they could see. Isn't that something? There is braille all over the place - where tickets are sold from the subway too. And there are grooves along the sidewalks so a straight path can be walked, with a series of bumps near the corners so they know when they will be crossing a street (also many of the intersections have beeping sounds or songs).

Masks

In terms of general consideration, you will often see people wearing masks. At first I was confused and thought they were afraid of germs. But I was told that these are the people who are ill with a cold or something and don't want to spread the germs.

Astonishingly Clean:

It is amazing how clean it is everywhere. The subways that are thronged daily with people, the public washrooms, the streets - clear of litter. Very few garbage cans to be found, so you have to plan carefully to dispose of your litter.

Quiet and Polite:

People are so much quieter and less obtrusive in public places. You rarely hear a cell phone ring though everyone has them and see signs everywhere reminding people to keep cell phones on silent mode. Even peole speaking on their cell phone on the street talk quietly. The only exuberant ones I heard were children home from school - a pair of them were delightfully singing a song in Japanese to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy as they hung on to the back of a bicycle and played a hand-clapping song

Suits and Uniforms

I saw few men not wearing suits and all the children were in uniform as many public schools as well as private schools mandate them - the children's hats were very sweet.

Christmas everywhere

I have never seen so many Christmas lights or heard so much Christmas music. But there was little connected to religion, Christmas is almost purely secular. We were told on the tour that the Christmas displays are all taken down on the 25th and replaced by New Year's decorations on the 26th.

(to be continued...)

After what has turned out to be a pivotal event for me this year, the Return to the Soul workshop with Julian Giacomelli/Anant Jesse, I have felt a wonderful freedom and peace
much of the time. I have enjoyed reading others' blogs very much as always but besides a blog that was really just for the QaR pod and which amusingly for me garnered a lot of comments, I have only blogged once since then - about being on Zaadz/Gaia two years.

It's been good to step out of the stream and observe.

This week, though, something interesting happened that I feel led to share. It began Thursday evening, during an IM chat with Eric, when I was feeling happy, and then happened to share about how lonely I had felt as a teen in England. Suddenly, I began to experience a strong sense of pain and loss. After floundering for a few minutes in chat, with Eric patiently asking if I needed to attend to this feeling, I decided yes I would examine it.

At first not much light, just a strong sense that it was an old pain from my early childhood, that feeling of abandonment I have wrestled before. An image came to me of the mechanism by which it had surfaced - it was as if the memory of being lonely that I was sharing with Eric acted as a Portkey taking me back to that very old pain. Only it wasn't like I had a "hook somewhere behing the navel" pulling me back, it felt like I had a sharp hook right through my body, from front to back, through the heart.

That's as far as I got Thursday night. Friday morning it was still a mild ache in the background but began to resurface again and clamour for attention during a very pleasant visit with a friend. Couldn't process right away because of a busy day but later that night could let go, feel the pain and cry. On the phone with Eric, I was able to talk it through, laugh about it, and decide how I wanted to begin to work with it - use it for the Practice of Tonglen.

Pretty soon after that, he had to go out, so I could get started on the tonglen, and it was great. The pain started to ease right away and I was filled with joy as I sent compassion to those close to me who are suffering. In the lightness and peace it was easy to slip into sleep, even though I was already beginning to write this blog in my head. :)

A few things really impressed me about this:

1) I found out about that important workshop from a Gaia friend victoria

2) I was inspired to go deeper into the pain rather than just gloss it over or medicate it with good feelings by many profound conversations with Gaian friends and excellent blogs and discussions like:

michaelsits  michaelsits's Entry "Thunderstorms":

 Centria  Centria's Entry "What do we do with those habits, compulsions & addictions anyway?"

Centria Centria's Entry "When was the last time you acted?"

Zennie 
Zennie's Entry "In The Silence of Joined Hands"

JustBeOne
JustBeOne's Entry "My latest Life Changing breakthrough"

3) I was supported and guided to follow my heart on this by a Gaian

4) When it came to doing more work on it, I instinctively turned back to him to accompany me.

As glorious as Gaia is in so many ways in my life, in the lives of so many I have observed, as a vital means of personal transformation it is especially awe-inspiring.

I wasn't sure what picture to use, but this one feels right, the transmission of light from one to another...

Image: my first icon - Windows stock photo.

Don't you love the way that toddlers always share their age by showing you the number of fingers? LOL! We talked about it, my New Jersey friends and I, at our meetup...

Coming up on my Second "Gaiaversary", I have been thinking, thinking about how I want to celebrate. I've decided to do a wander through my past 2 years with you.

1) Part the First - In which I discover Zaadz, and some early joys:

I found Zaadz through an ad in the online version of "What is Enlightenment?" which I heard about through a Kumon colleague who is deeply into things Integral and spirally :) and whom I was getting to know better as a friend. On that fateful day of September 22, 2006, I got invited to join by my first friend Brondu and soon after decided to introduce myself with my first blog, a brief history of me.

At first my favourite pod was The Beloved's Teahouse, a garden of visual and poetic delights alas now gone from us along with its cultivator Herbie. Within that first week I was already blogging about Soul Mates and The 7 chakras, since I was really trying to work through relational issues in some excellent pods and in my heart, but these were just articles found on the net. It took me quite a while to discover my blogging style. I would mostly blog favourite poems by others (including, yes, Rilke!) or articles.

But even then I sometimes used one of my own poems or blogged something personal like my first Zaadz retrospective at still less than two weeks old!.

2) Part the Second - In which I live through trying times:

It was a very busy time for me, late 2006. I was juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes I would drop, totally overwhelmed. On top of all the usual busyness of chairing the church board, for example, I would at times have to preach a sermon. As the leader of the International Association, I had  many meetings with corporate Kumon. On October 31, 2006 I started the Zed is us, eh? pod and began diligently to try to cultivate it. But I was doing much, much more: involved in nearly every aspect of church, going through the madness of fall at my learning centre, etc etc.

As the stress got more intense, so did the reactivity and the learning. I began to feel very lonely, especially as the anniversary of my friends' death drew near. Sometimes I felt great,
but at other times, I was really struggling with my  anger. Just as painful in a different way was struggling with an attraction that was going nowhere. Relationships, past and present plagued me with questions I wasn't yet ready to answer. Once more I broke off "for good" with my partner, with all the stress that entails

At the end of November I learned of a death of a friend, Matthew. He was a gifted poet,
and going to the memorial service stretched me terribly emotionally. It all felt much too much. I tried to rally, tried to listen to a sister's wisdom, and put my all into the early December Messiah concerts which turned out to be very satisfying and kindly reviewed by a usually harsh critic.

It was an odd Christmas, somehow  the movie Joyeux Noel/Merry Christmas felt very appropriate, after another death - my estranged partner's mom. Looking back, it was the lull before the storm.

3) Part the Third - In which things get much worse before they get better:

In January, 2007, I was asked by my beloved priest-mentor to resign my position on the church board because I was too stressed. I began to go through more inner conflicts,
because of all the many activities I was juggling, the church board was the one that was most important to me. I did everything I could to frame it positively. But by February I had to concede defeat. I could no longer attend church. It was too painful. I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing anything but get up at the last possible minute, play simple puzzle video games obsessively, go to work, eat and sleep. I saw no one except my family (and one dear friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, whom I saw maybe every couple of months). I took no phone calls except business. I was completely depressed and felt numb most of the time.

So of course I went back into the relationship, as I was barely functioning ,and relied on my partner to do so much. If he would get frustrated with my passivity and ask me to do some small thing, I would start to panic and cry and beg and he would relent. It was not pretty.

Sometimes I would come back here briefly, like in May when friends to Pierre and Christopher reached out. But after having blogged well over 150 times between September 2006 and January 2007, I blogged only 11 times in May, June and July, and not at all in September to December 2007. I did start gradually feeling better late in the year.

4) Part the Fourth - In which I am truly "recalled to life":

In Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, he speaks of the convicted man being "recalled to life" out of the depths of his prison. In early January 2008, it was as if someone called me and I suddenly woke up, inspired with a vision for the International Association. and eager to live, to reconnect with my Gaia friends, to visit friends again and take better care of myself.

The first big Gaia event of 2008 for me was creating the God Pod onJanuary 31. At that time I had no idea how this would become the centre of my Gaia experience, the caring spiritual community I needed so much both to care for and in which to receive love. I thought I was just doing it so I wouldn't keep getting blog notifications from Lindsey's blog discussion "Is there a God?" What did I know? :) Through the healing there and elsewhere, I was soon ready to return to church, to forgive the priest.

Relationally, 2008 has been all over the place for me:

- Broke off again (!) with my partner on Valentine's Day to very mixed feelings.
- In my first Diving Deeper assignment I relived an old attachment that still haunted me.
- I found resolution in friendship after 15 years concerning another deep attachment.
- I fell for a Gaian who was my sweet wonderful friend but it didn't work. We have since become good friends
- I fell for someone else. That was quite the total disaster but I am now peaceful about it.
- one more time, and when again it didn't work out, finally was ready to stop falling for unavailable men. At least, so far so good! :)

Physically, I have also been all over the place :) with IAKF and Gaia meet-ups in

- Toronto  in April and July
- Montreal in April, June and July
- New Jersey in May
- Vancouver in June
- SF in July  with Samme, Nishtha and Doug
- LA in July at Julie's
- Global Gaia Gatherings (GGG) in Hebden Bridge, Cardiff, London
- next stop, Japan (November 30-December 8)

Only time will tell, but the Return to the Soul workshop felt like a true turning point for me.

Last night was my first choir practice with Musica Viva. It felt so good to sing again, to have Cristian as a director again. He is very easy-going and relaxed -  for a choir director :). I do enjoy the energy and community of francophone choirs too.

5) Part the Fifth - In conclusion!

Warm thanks to all of you, my friends, for the beauty you have been in my journey, in my life, and for indulging me in this walk through my life so far with Zaadz/Gaia.

This community as a whole and all the smaller circles of community within the big circle are a profound source of inspiration to me as I read your blogs and discussions every day, and read your messages in the pods, your grapevinings and personal messages.

Together this we-space is becoming richer, deeper and more vibrant all the time. Yay, us!

Hey, if you haven't checked out the new Questions & Reflections: The Group
please do - already over 80 members and just been around a day! Wheee!

So, I tried to put my picture but I know, I know it never works from email so...

i'm not, most emphatically not, a gardener, and so I have many wild flowers and weeds on my property. i decided to take a picture of some that i find very lovely on my new Blackberry Curve, which has a much better camera than my old BB...




for me, it is a metaphor for my life - chaotic in places but full of unexpected beauty if you look at it right...

Nearly two weeks ago, I blogged about my dear victoria's invitating me to her friend Julian's workshop, which happened yesterday at the Rad'a centre in Montreal, a lovely yoga space with the headquarters for the delightful ascent magazine above it on the second floor.

I was very ready for the workshop after being ill then depressed and doing a lot of thinking and deep processing recently (see also here for more background on what's been happening in my world).

As soon as I stepped into the space, I felt the peace and welcoming of it:

"rad’a offers a unique space that fosters personal growth and reflection... In this sacred space, community is supported and all spiritual traditions are valued. Wood floors and brick walls create a warm ambiance, and big windows overlooking the cityscape are a reminder of the contemporary world we live in."

 

---

1) Entering the sacred space:

We were about 20 participants, including David, a Gaian I had met at one of our Montreal Meets. It was good to see him again, and catch up a bit. Also, Victoria, I delivered that hug to Julian for you :) and he sends you his warm love and best wishes in all of your wonderful challenges, and sincere thanks for sending me and David along to his workshop.

 We listened to meditative music and waited in a circle to begin each on a comfortable backjack, (which was new to me, a cushion with good backrest built in):


then Anant got us started by drumming a beat for us, inviting us to snap along then clap our hands. Once he had our full attention and the introductions were complete, Julian led us in a series of basic yoga asanas, till we were completely in our breathing, contemplating being filled by light and seeing the light fill the universe.

2) Returning to the Soul:

What an awesome receptive place we were in, then, to begin our voyage within! We took time to write down in our journaling booklets some impressions of being in the light, and then wrote some goals in our hearts and goals on our mind.

Our own heart always exceeds us. Rainer Maria Rilke (these quotes are sprinkled through the journaling booklet)

Explore daily the will of God. C.G. Jung

We went on to learn about how the "ego's main tendency became a substitute for a lost quality of Essence. In this way, the personality contains the key to our specific dilemma" Lynette Sheppard

The Enneagram (of Ego) with Riso-Hudson Type Names 

here for an overview of Enneagram

here to find your type/wing

Once we had done some thinking and exploration about what trait each of us most resonated with, we wrote about some of the basic dynamics between us and our parents from our infancy, and thought about how they might have led to the development of that particular ego strategy.

I found myself relatively easily (and not surprisingly to any of my friends :) ) to be The Helper:

here for a detailed description of Type Two

"Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel love"

I also readily saw how that grew out of extended separation from both parents in early childhood, leading to strategies of over-helpfulness and becoming indispensible, so that I would not be abandoned again.

3) Moving into Unlimited Space:

We were then invited to connect again with our unlimited being of light, where I meditated on things like being able to love and cherish myself, being alone, having better boundaries, saying no or later, saying goodbye, not feeling abandoned and needy and in lack.

The Soul... fire cannot burn it, water cannot wet it, wind cannot dry it, weapons cannot cleave it. It's ancient, it's unborn, it never dies. Bhagwad Gita

All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life. M.C. Richards.

Julian discussed with us the garden of our life, the things we will need to keep in place to keep it flourishing - including

preparation
planning
awareness/observation
planting seeds of intention
breathwork
mindful exercise (seeing how the ego works)
study
journaling (blogging)
contemplation
meditation
walking
rest/renewal - creating space/time
purification
shadow work
visualisation

Discipline
Surrender

In the heart of difficulty lies opportunity - Albert Einstein.

4) Afterwards

Before I left, I discussed with Julian one practical issue that emerged for me - needing to do yoga. He recommended a friend of his, Yasmin, who does yoga classes close to my area - I think at the Centre Holistique OM West - so I've just left a message, hoping to join a class there.

It's hard to describe the effect that this workshop had on me. I felt as if I walked out of there into a spaciousness of heart, mind and time. At first, the sharp pain of abandonment and loss that I began to experience as I reconnect to my infant self persisted below the surface, but there was also a sense of lightness, freedom, mixed with a deep fatigue - it was a lot of work!

I went home to discover that my daughter's team had won their soccer finals, so after a long and deep conversation with my cousin in the UK about my explorations, we went out to supper, my daughter, my ex-partner and I.

In parenthesis, I have struggled for years to let go of this relationship, so have been in an endless merry-go-round of breaking up and geting back together. In the past few months, I have tried this middle ground of being "friends" with intermittent intimacy, but after the workshop and seeing clearly during dinner how possessive he still is though I have tried to draw clearer and clearer boundaries, I told him after we got back from the restaurant that I wanted him to go back to his apartment then and, after a long, pleasant chat with a Gaia friend, I called him to explain that it's really not working.

Neither of us really believes yet that this is truly goodbye, after so many good-byes that have been reversed into "I want  you to help me with __"s.

So, like an alcoholic, I move forward into a "dry" day, and say to myself, "Today, I know I can be alone." I am not trying to know more than that.

I feel peaceful, relaxed, open. It may not be different, but it feels like a new place.

My very good friend Faye called this morning to say that our long-awaited weekend together starting Friday was not going to happen. I was disappointed, a bit, but over-ridingly I knew it was ok, and was able just to listen to her, her anger at her husband for sabotaging it, her pain, and just be there for her. When she had to go before we had really talked things through, I was again a bit disappointed, but content to go deep into writing this blog, which has taken a lot of time but been satisfying and good to write.

Love to you all...